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Phainon stared blankly out of the parlors car window.
The Nameless were kind enough to let him stay there for the time being. They probably knew he wouldn't take the news well, and they were right. Because how could he? Everyone was gone. Not only were they gone, they weren't even real. Knowing his world was a simulation was one thing, but to live to see the destruction of what even made it real was another.
He knows he should be glad that Irontomb is gone. In the end, his and Cyrene's plan worked - the universe is still standing and the voice of destruction was silenced, even if for just a moment. Ultimately, he won against Lygus. He won.
Yet, all he felt was emptiness in his hollow chest cavity, leaving blank space where any and all emotions used to spark. He had long lost the ability to feel them like he used to, but even in the cycles, slivers of them used to ignite there from time to time besides the overwhelming rage he felt. Whether it was muffled joy and adoration when seeing one of his companions after years of waiting, the bittersweet feeling of returning to Aedes Elysiae knowing it has to burn by his hand, or the twisting pain in his heart everytime he had to pierce his blade through someone he cared about, even if he had done so millions of times before. This was totally different - there seemed to be absolutely nothing he felt right now.
And he hated it. He hated not knowing whether he had truly become so numb or if he was in a state of shock and all the emotions will come crashing down on him later.
All he could do was to keep looking out the window into the space Amphoreus used to occupy, and then he had to remind himself that it was never truly there, only the scepter that used to run it. The only thing that was left was some scrapped parts of it that could never truly endanger anyone again, becoming just pieces of debris floating without a purpose, utterly useless.
He wanted to say he was quite the same, after losing both his purpose as the Deliverer and Khaslana, yet that wasn't quite true. The danger he presented now was even greater, with no distinct place to anchor him when he needed it the most.
Beside him, a voice spoke over his overflowing current of thoughts.
"Uh hey, partner. How... are you doing?"
He stayed quiet. Even if he was in the mood to talk, he wouldn't answer that. The silence stretched as he stared at the Traiblazer, who was trying to desperately find something to say.
"Okay, that was a pretty stupid question, I know. But... you have been standing here for some time and I thought I'd check up on you." They thought of what to say next, then continued. "I get that it's hard, to come to terms with this. To have all of that happen to you and then for it to just disappear... it's a lot. I understand it takes a long time to process, and..." They scramble for more words, but then their shoulders drop with a sigh. "What am I even saying? You went through so much, none of us here could understand how you feel."
He keeps staring at the Traiblazer, a wave of apprehension hits him - they owe him nothing and there's no need to beat themselves over something they cannot change. So, with hoarse voice, he finally says, "It's alright, I don't expect you to."
They shuffle a bit closer, reasoning with newfound determination. "We all want to help you somehow, I just don't know how. But do you... want to talk about it?"
The question is innocent, but he thinks he will throw up if he agrees. "No, not really."
The Traiblazer nods, but doesn't relent. "Alright. Then do you want to talk in general?"
He knows his mind will be still thinking about the recent events even if they talked about something harmless.
"Not right now."
They just look at him, clearly not knowing what to think. Then they nod and take a step back.
"Alright, but if you change your mind, you know where to find everyone. Also, the lunch will be in a few minutes. You can join us, if you want to."
He doesn't respond, his eyes already looking out the window. The Traiblazer's footsteps get quieter with each step they take, until he cannot hear them anymore as they walk into a different car.
He almost wanted to mention it's unnecessary to give him such hospitality. He was glad they allowed him to stay after everything, but there was no need for more than that. After becoming what he is, his body no longer needs sustenance like the others do - he doesn't require food and he isn't sure whether he can drink any form of water anymore. He doesn't understand why they would go out of their way even after knowing all of this, but they are The Nameless and he knows how kind they are. Even if the one receiving such kindness is an Emmanator.
Which brings up yet another thing - none of them had acted any differently after realizing he had been gazed upon by an Aeon. He knows he's not the first Emmanator they've met, but he also heard of their battle against one of the Lord Ravagers and the overall cruelty of the Destruction. They all understand what kind of power flows through his veins, yet they still let him into their home. He refuses to call himself a Lord Ravager; he simply won't associate himself with them, but he'd still think they would be more wary of him.
Nevertheless, it doesn't change the fact he's grateful he has at least someone he could trust. The Nameless were the only ones he has left - the only ones he even knows in this vast universe. It gives him an unsettling feeling he does not want to think about.
He doesn't go to eat lunch.
--
After some time, he sits down on the sofa with his head perched on the back of it, while still looking through the glass into the void.
He knew it was useless to do, but he didn't know what else he should be doing. His only purpose, his goal, was always within Amphoreus and its people and without it, he felt quite... dull. The flame that burnt through all those cycles has dimmed down, just shimmering beneath his skin. He knew it will burst out in embers when the time comes, but it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Because even the blazing heat of four hundred and two million coreflames couldn't do anything against the lingering cold that has settled over him.
It was ironic, really. How such a scorched creature that can engulf everything in flames cannot do anything against this all consuming frostbite. It made him question what good the flames he acquired over the millennium were, if they were good at all.
Not like it matters now.
His mind is blissfully vacant for a bit as the time slows down to a stop. Or maybe it doesn't and his own perception of it is simply unrealistic with how long he has been sitting there. As the world around him blurred all he did was look at the stars, just as stagnant as him, and later tried to count them. It was completely useless, just like his current state of being. Perhaps he should do something about it, but he feels so so tired - the kind of tiredness that no amount of sleep can fix. It's the kind of numbness that goes when you get nothing out of your efforts why did he go through all the cycles and why doesn't it matter now-
Someone approached him, the clank of their shoes different from those of the Traiblazer.
"Uh, Phainon? You there?"
At the sound of the unsure voice he turns his head to look at the person speaking and sees pink haired girl - March 7th - standing infront of him. She's clutching a camera in her hands, a hint of sadness in her eyes.
"Yes. Do you need anything?" He spoke, not quite understanding what she would want from him. Is he taking up space on the sofa or something...?
"Well, not really. I just wanted to show you something before we all go to our rooms. I think you would like to see this. Can I?' She gestures to empty space beside him.
'Go to our rooms'? Is it 'night' time already? He doesn't know if his conversation with teh Traiblazer happened today or yesterday. He doesn't ask her about it. Instead he nodds and adjusts his whole body to face her.
She hops onto the sofa and turns her camera on with slightly upturned lips, but something goes through her head and her smile falters, griping the camera tightly. She looked troubled, contemplating something before turning to him.
"Before I do, I wanted to say something. I don't know everything you went through and I don't think I'll really understand, but I know how it feels to wake up in a completely uknown world and not knowing what to do next. It's scary. And I know how easy it is to lose memories, which is why I want to snap them in a photo, even if it won't make them a reality."
He doesn't know what to say to that. She doesn't expect him to.
"I lost my memories while my past is still out there while for you, it's the other way around. I know it feels like everything is lost, but I wanted to show you that something is still there."
Then she looked at the camera again and pressed some buttons. "When we visited Amphoreus, I gave the Traiblazer my camera to take some photos. I still have all of them."
Oh.
Oh.
His voice cracks when he speaks, a sudden show of vulnerability that comes when a slight spark of something ignites in his chest. "You do? Could I see them?"
"Of course! That's why I came to you. I can even send them all to you, if you give me your phone so I can save your contact info." March smiles at him, giving him the camera. He takes it without a thought, then grabs his teleslate phone from his pocket and gives it to her unlocked.
He stops paying attention to anything but the camera in his hands when he sees the first photo - it's a photo of the scenery where he has met the Nameless first. He starts flipping through the pictures, each showing some different landscapes and locations. His breath catches in his throat as the first photo featuring people he very well knows comes up.
Tribbie. Castorice. Mydei.
They were standing near Marmoreal Market with Traiblazer and himself from that cycle, bathed in the light of the Dawn Device. It was probably taken by Dan Heng, as he is not in the picture. It's such a happy moment, with everyone smiling, that he can almost feel the watmth of it through the screen of the camera. Almost.
Before he can get lost in thought again, March interrupts him gently.
"I have sent you everything, so you can view it from your phone. I will leave you to look at them at your own pace. Goodnight Phainon! Don't forget to sleep too!" With that, she gives him back his phone and stands up. He only nodds, looking at her walk off to her room with her camera in her hands.
Right away he goes to look at the photos where he left off. There are many of them, with different people in different places, yet all so familiar he feels a burst of emotions through his whole being. It's almost overwhelming, yet he can't stop going through each picture and recalling everything he can about it.
His old phone did survive with him, but it was broken beyond repair. When the Nameless gave him a new phone, they told him they salvaged what they could, but a lot was lost or corrupted. Almost all of his own photos and so much more have been gone and the only thing of any value he was left with were his texts with the others and even those had some messages or chunks of conversations missing.
These photos were the only visual evidence the people he loved had once existed.
This sudden revelation hit him with so many feelings he can only stare at the screen while letting out a quiet sob. He knows there would be tears running down his face if he still could cry, but they have already evaporated. His hold on the phone is tight, almost enough to make cracks in it.
He was stuck in Amphoreus for so long, yet so many of his memories were completely lost to him. The small, warm moments of his day to day life besides his friends were blurring in between the sharp recollections of their screams and the images of golden blood flowing between his fingers. He remembered many happy memories he cradled in his heart, but there were more melancholic ones that overpowered them.
What if the happy memories will one by one start disappearing, until he has none? What will he do if one day he realizes he cannot remember the faces of his loved ones anymore?
No. He cannot let that happen. He will do anything to keep those memories as long as he can, in any way he can. The universe is vast, they will surely be something that could ensure he won't forget them.
A sudden wave of melancholy overcomes him as he looks again and again at the photos. They were so happy. Each one of them worked so hard to see the tomorrow yet none of them did. They poured everything they had and died countless times over the cycles just so that he could have a chance at rebuilding the world where they could live without restraints.
They were all supposed to be alive. Not him.
And yet here he was, the sole survivor. The Deliverer, who was supposed to lead them to the Era Nova and usher them in a new dawn. Khaslana, who killed them millions of times in hopes that it would count to something, that each fallen comrade would eventually get him to an ending where he could give them a peaceful life.
Was every single death for nothing?
Did their deaths mean anything? Did their lives? Has any of the thirty-three million, five hundred fifty thousand and three hundred thirty-seven cycles mattered? Was collecting four hundred two million, six hundred four thousand and thirty-two coreflames useless? What was he trying to save?
He stopped his thoughts there. As much as he wished he could usher in the Era Nova, the main goal of all his efforts was to never let Irontomb escape the confines of the simulation, and he succeeded. He did all of that to ensure the Lord Ravager would fall.
Amphoreus was never real, its loss hardly affected the cosmos. If Irontomb was, it would shake its foundation.
And yet that single thought - the thought of how insignificant the loss of his home is to everyone else because nobody even knew it existed - hurt much more than he thought it would. The indication that everyone in the sceptre suffered just so the outside world could go on yet nobody knows just how much was sacrificed to keep the Destruction at bay. It almost made him feel like everyone's efforts were insignificant, with just how little the cosmos knows of Amphoreus.
Looking at the photos made him realize he was the only one carrying the memories and the souls of those people, because he was the only one alive who truly knew them, who was a part of their lives just as they were his. That those same lives now only existed in his head, bits and pieces of everyday lives, moments and conversations mixed with memorable events and unforgettable situations both happy and sorrowful. Now they were taking the form of shards in a colorful mosaic containing everything he knew, with many fragments missing as he was losing his memory.
He spent a long time going through the photos again and again, reliving each thing over and over. After several hours of reminiscing and yearning for something he can't have, after many waves of emotions that hit him like a tide, he felt truly tired.
Feeling so much after so long has left him drained, the exhaustion that has been following him for so long made him want to collapse on the sofa and give in to sleep. Before closing his eyes, one singular thought gets stuck in his mind, following him into his dreams.
It's such a shame the Traiblazers weren't able to record some videos, too. He's terrified of the day he won't be able to recall their voices anymore.
--
When he woke up, still hunched on the sofa below the window, he felt warmth surrounding him. He stirred, the slight movement letting the blanket that was laying on him fall from his shoulders. He blinked twice, looking at the piece of fabric with confusion. All of the Nameless knew who he was - knew how hot he runs, with the power of an emmanator and all the coreflames in his body. He cannot get cold. So why would they do this?
Perhaps he looked cold. Pehaps he looked like he needed the warmth, maybe it was out of pity. Or perhaps... someone truly cared.
It didn't erase the fact it was completely useless, so he folded it and returned it where it belonged, in the other car. He put it on one of the chairs there and returned back to his place on the sofa, falling back into the same position, only this time while looking out the window again.
When he was getting close to falling asleep again hours later, he decided to find out if it would happen again. So instead of giving in to sleep, he only closed his eyes and waited. After some time footsteps could be heard, the sound of heels clicking on the floor, and a blanket was gently curled around him. When the person turned around to leave, he opened his eyes to look at their retreating form, and saw bright red hair swinging to the movement of her walk. When she reached the door, she looked back at him and sent him a small smile, then left. He could only silently wonder why she did it, especially if she knew he wasn't asleep, but decided to worry about that later and let himself rest.
It didn't even reach his mind that he had unknowingly left his post on the sofa when he returned the blanket.
--
The days went by in a daze. It was probably because he didn't do much and barely left his spot. There was no need for him to - he didn't know what else he would even do, so he willingly let himself get lost in his own mind for hours.
The other Nameless moved quietly around him. None of them went up to him to ask for direct or any serious questions like he thought they would; they sometimes spoke to him in small conversations, but never quite pushed for answers on any painful topic. He wasn't quite sure what to think of it. After all, he was an Emmanator, and those were not to be taken lightly. He expected at least one of them to interrogate him on the powers surging through his veins, with how dangerous and unpredictable they were, yet none of them did. Whether they were giving him space, feared to trigger a bad memory and accidentally setting him off or simply because they didn't know how to help, mattered not. He was just glad nobody was prodding in his history.
That doesn't mean they didn't chat with him though - it was scarce because he mostly didn't feel like talking and they didn't want to bother, creating a rift between them. Still, they tried to make him feel better, even if in small portions.
Currently there was only one of them in the car with him. Sunday, the strange yet polite man with wings coming from behind his ears, was sitting in the other half of the car. Neither of them really minded the presence of the other, content with the quiet solitude of the space.
The man had reached out to him once, telling him about his abilities of the Harmony and told Phainon that if he wanted to, he could try to help him with it. He had refused, of course. They shared a conversation after that, in which Sunday eventually told him about his own journey with the Aeons and Penacony.
"So this dream truly put everyone into a world with no sorrow?"
"Yes, it did. The Order made sure everyone would have their own sweet dream." He then went silent for a bit. "Did you not have such dream?"
Phainon thought about it. Then slowly, he replied, "No, not that I remember. If there was an instance where I would have been ushered in the Era Nova with everyone else, a dream so real it would feel like reality, I would surely have some recollection of it."
The other man went silent after that. He probably thought of how true the Aeons words were when they said everyone would get their sweet dream. Maybe he was yet again realizing something new about the approach he took when he wanted to ease everyone's burdens. Phainon let him have his moment, knowing the man came to him to show him he too made things of questionable morality while trying to reach his goal. He knew the deaths of the Chrysos Heirs were necessary, but it didn't change the fact he himself took their lives. Nevertheless, he appreciated the gesture.
They didn't talk much after that, both lost in their own minds. But the moment was shared, until Sunday excused himself and walked away, presumably to his room, with a polite "Have a good night." Phainon was left alone on the couch yet again, but he found out he didn't mind it as much as he thought he would.
The only one who interacted less than others was the man that kept puzzling Phainon - Welt Yang. He didn't know what to think of him. Ever since Welt first saw him, he had this strange look in his eyes every time he looked at Phainon; was it shock? Anger? Fear?
Familiarity?
He was certain if he walked up to the man and asked, he would get an answer. But the strange feeling he held in his gaze was somewhat... eerie. It was uncanny in ways that told him Welt might know about him more than Phainon thought.
He wasn't sure how much he even wanted to hear the answer, not right after what happened. So he let it be and decided to ask about it at a later date.
-
It wasn't that much later that another Nameless, this time Dan Heng, came to him. Just as expected, Dan Heng didn't dance around the subject of his 'visit' and went straight to the point.
"I understand if it's still too early, but I've been meaning to ask if you want to look into Data Bank's records. You are new to the cosmos and the more you know, the better. Or at least the basic information would be good to have."
Phainon was momentarily stunned. He wasn't sure what to say, mostly needing time to think it through.
But Dan Heng probably already knew he wouldn't answer right away, and made it easier for him. "You don't have to answer me now. Just know that it's always available for you, and I will explain anything necessary. If you change your mind, contact me in messages or in person."
With that, he turns around and begins to walk away. Before he can leave, Phainon manages to call out a "Thank you!" in his direction, to which the black haired Nameless nodded and left Phainon to think about the offer.
His and Dan Heng's bond wasn't shallow, with their many shared memories from Amphoreus and as the two of only a few people who knew of its existence. He knew the other man cared and perhaps would even lend this information to him regardless of his title.
But this wasn't just about Dan Heng - such a decision to lend him the knowledge had to come from the collective agreement of the Nameless as a whole. The others didn't know him how Dan Heng and the Traibalzer did, and yet they still decided to make the information on the Data Bank available to an Emmanator of Destruction, for some reason.
Then again, maybe they believe giving him a wider range of view would make him help make the correct decisions around the cosmos? It would make sense, if they still held their trust in him to not make everything worse, to want to give him the needed guidance, or have him on their side. In that sense, it would be best for him to accept it.
He thinks he will. It would do him good to get as much knowledge as he can while he's here, because he might not get a chance like this again.
Later on while looking at his contacts, he realizes March added all of the other Nameless as well, probably to make sure he can contact them if he ever decides to leave the train. It makes his list of contacts a little bit more lively, now that it's not full of people who don't exist ghosts.
--
The Nameless with a Stellaron - as he recently learned from Dan Heng - has been visibly trying to reach him, yet not quite knowing how. They were always lurking nearby, in case he wanted to seek them out and were constantly checking on him, even if in short sequences. It reminded him of himself when Mydei or really any of the other Chrysos Heirs were battling with something personal they didn't want to talk about. He had done the same then, constantly around to show he was there for them yet not pushing. It was precisely because of this thought he didn't accept the help. If he couldn't talk to others without seeing ghosts of people who didn't exist, it was better for him to not talk at all.
So he kept doing what he did all day - stay on his spot on the sofa and look out the window. They haven't moved their position even after days of Amphoreus' destruction, so the view was still the same. Which made him think, why haven't they moved yet? There was nothing out here. They were stagnant for no reason.
From what he gathered in his conversations with the Nameless when they were still on Amphoreus, the train the Nameless occupy moves through the cosmos based on their own travels. They need to visit different places frequently, else they will run out of powering source. He understands how important it is for them to Traiblaze, even if part of him wants to never leave Amphoreus - or that gaping void in its place - and simply stay here in stasis. That's why he expects them to move shortly after they all board, to not risk anything.
Yet there was no sign of them moving to the next destination. When the Traiblazer came to him and told him about it, they were apparently "checking for damages to the car that was detached and making other preparations before they can travel" and that they also "needed to choose the next destination first, which they haven't agreed upon yet".
While Phainon didn't doubt all of those were necessary before they departed, he also understood what they were truly doing - giving him time to bid farewell to his home. He didn't know whether he was thankful or hated himself for slowing them down like this, especially when the entirety of the cosmos was waiting for them to visit.
It was mercy, giving him time, but at the same time the disgusting feeling in his stomach, the one telling him he was stagnant for too long and that he couldn't keep the Nameless tethered to one place, was growing by each hour. It was a weird feeling, one that made him want to both lay in place until time lost its meaning, but also one that made the bile in his stomach rise. The other's melancholic looks coupled with the silence that followed his every step (however rare those were) were making everything worse and with each day, he kept thinking more and more of running away.
Maybe the Traiblazer knew and that's why they tried to reach him - to make him stay, yet they were afraid to make one bad step, fearing they would scare him away. Maybe Dan Heng truly understood and that's why he decided to lend him the necessary tools to survive out there.
It didn't lessen the feeling clutching at his insides.
--
It was that time again, to leave the confines of his deprived mind and learn something of the cosmos. Dan Heng was understanding, going slow and sometimes adding his own words about what they were talking about - Aeons, paths, Emmanators, different factions, planets and many more. When he was in the middle of explaining something, a thought in Phainon's brain made itself even louder than all the times before.
"Why are you helping me?"
Dan Heng goes silent for a bit, then turns his whole focus on Phainon.
"Because I know how it feels to be in a whole new world while trying to leave your past behind. The cosmos feels too big, yet you don't know where to run to. I thought I could help you with that."
His answer was genuine, Phainon could tell. An inexplainable emotion flickered through his face, an old wound he presumably tried to run away from before, now healed but still there. Phainon understood then, but didn't pry. It wasn't his place. But he was glad Dan Heng decided to help him out, even though he had his own haunting past.
So he let him know he appreciated the effort in his own small ways. He was about to properly thank him through the messages when a familiar face in his messages made him freeze.
Mydei's face in the icon was as striking as always, just as beautiful as the day he lost him. He knew looking at the contacts of any of his friends won't do him good, so he avoided scrolling past the few texts from the Nameless to ignore any prior messages.
He didn't think he'd find anything new there - the Chrysos Heirs didn't know they wouldn't survive past Irontomb's fall. He ignored it because he knew he would find only old texts and painful reminders of what once was, thinking nobody had the time to send him anything new.
He was wrong.
His finger hovered over the conversation with Mydei, lit up with unreaded messages. He didn't know if he wanted to see it, to bring himself that kind of pain, but realized that if those were Mydei's last words, he couldn't ignore them.
So with shaking breath and trembling hand, he clicked the conversation open.
Searching for signal...
Unstable Connection
We are marching for the grand battle now, Deliverer
I don't know where you are or what cruelty is bestowed upon you, but we will find you and bring you back
You always said you were the one to bring the dawn, and now it is my turn to do so
I won't give up until I find you
The connection here is not stable and I don't know how much of this will be delivered to you
If it doesn't, I will simply send it again
I won't give up until I find you.
You suffered for all of us enough, it's time for us to repay you and allow you your break
And to make you understand I mean it, I told the Traiblazer to give you something when they find you, since I will most likely still be on the battlefield then
You know very well what it's meaning is and its worth
It is my everlasting promise to you
So secure it well until I get back to your side, Phainon
It is my everlasting promise to you
Do stay alive, we are on our way
...
It's not sending again
There are enemies coming our way,
So I will tell you when we see each other again
Phainon's breathing was laboured as he clutched the teleslate phone in his hand. His sight blurred as he tried to calm himself down and take deep breaths over the feeling of gut-wrenching sadness wrapping around his neck and choking him.
He wanted to see him so badly. To smile at him, to wrap his hands around him, to feel that he's real. Mydei was certain they would see each other again and only worried about not finding Phainon in time, not knowing that in the end, he was the only one to come out alive. Right now it felt like punishment more than mercy, something he could very well attach to that same well of suffering he was drowning in this whole time, but he knew that this one hurt much more than anything else.
Because every time he pierced someone with his blade, as much as it hurt him, he knew they would be alive again in the next cycle. But now? There was nothing tangible, nothing real awaiting him at the end of this suffering. They were all gone and he was the one paying the price of his own failure.
Phainon had to know what this thing Mydei left for him was even in his current state. He knew it will only hurt more, but if it was the only thing of Mydei he had, he would savour it even if it pierced his heart every time he looked at it. Barely seeing what he was clicking, he opened Traiblazer's messages and read through the messages they sent him, and found what he was looking for.
you know, Mydei left you something
I wanted to give it to you but you didn't want to talk (which i understand) so I left it in your pocket
it isn't much, but there's nothing else left for me to give you, sorry
He dropped his phone in an instant and searched all of his pockets. When he felt an object in one of them, he took it out to see what it is.
It was a ring, the Signet ring from Mydei's mother.
The one Mydei once told him about while reminiscing about his mother. The one Phainon talked to Chartonus, who in turn found it in the river of souls and returned it to him. The one that was supposed to guide his people in the many cycles he ascended to divinity, promising them a better future.
It is my everlasting promise to you.
Stray tears gathered at the corners of his eyes, evaporating at once but still so very real. He couldn't help it but drown in the many thoughts flooding his mind, the 'what if's and 'what could have been' cutting deeper every second. Mydei wanted to return to him, to stay with him and he would if everything didn't go so wrong.
Yet again he wondered if this was his personal hell, made of every mistake and bad thing he did in the cycles. Because it felt like one, to see this and know how much he would've had if only fated was kinder to him, even if he didn't deserve it. He wished he could see them again, to feel them even if it was in a fake world again, even if it was in yet another cycle. Just to feel this warmth again, even if he knew he would have to smother it out, because he knew that it would be there again 'Tomorrow'.
He wished that the only people who ever loved him with such intensity were real.
Mydei
I wish you were here
Message failed to send.
The user you're trying to reach is currently out of the service area. Please try again later.
-
The feeling of helplessness and hatred for stagnation was getting unbearable after that. It was growing steadily each day even before, but the ring was the last straw. He couldn't stand the atmosphere his presence was creating and he hated how much time they already wasted on him. They could say what they wanted, but he soon realized that standing in one place was wrong for the Namless and he was only slowing them down. The urge to run away was now bigger than ever.
So that's what he did - he waited for the others to go to sleep, before sending a farewell text to the Nameless and walking to one of the doors. Letting his glowing wings unfurl, he took a last breath before leaping out of the train. He didn't regret it and he didn't look back.
Maybe he shouldn't run away from the only trusted companions he has left, but it was suffocating there. Everyone was trying to tiptoe around him while figuring out how to help him and he only felt so useless, being stagnant in one place. He was an outsider in such a lively space, he felt like one of the pests that live in someone's home just because the owner was powerless to get rid of it.
He's certain they will meet again - the universe might be big but both he and the Nameless are like magnets to trouble.
Besides, he cannot fight against Destruction in this state of mind. His already fragile mind would only bring him closer to what Nanook wants him to be, and he cannot accept that.
Perhaps making him the sole survivor was Lygus' last attempt at making him lose his sanity. Perhaps it was Nanook's way of making him snap and destroy everything around him.
And it was this singular thing that made him steel himself. He would not destroy for no reason. He would never choose destruction as his first option to deal with things. He will never play to their plans again. He will never bow his head to THEM, even if it's the last thing he does.
This resolve was stronger than anything he currently has in his shambled state. It was the only thing he had in the cycles and it's the only thing he has now. He knows his scarred mind wasn't far from losing its grip on sanity - but he would make sure it would be the first priority to destroy Nanook even if he were to lose his grip on sanity, just out of sheer spite. His rage will always be there, but the only thing it would consume will be destruction itself - he will make all the Lord Ravagers fall by his hands if it's necessary, then Nanook and then, if he has to, himself. After all, self destruction is the purest form of destruction.
But for that, he needed to have a clear mind, without the mistakes of the past and painful memories resurfacing every so often. If he let everything that was weighing him down crush him, he would never do the only thing he wanted to - to finish what he started.
So he decided to wander around the universe - it's not like he has anything else to do. He will stroll around aimlessly, without goal in mind. What is he even trying to find here? Purpose? Understanding? His own demise? Or perhaps simply something to occupy his mind from thinking of all his failures? He doesn't know, and perhaps he never will.
--
The time seems to completely evade his senses.
He doesn't know how long he had been amidst the stars and maybe that's for the better.
He kept the ring close. Not on his fingers, for he had already lost the privilege to wear it that way. Because the person who was supposed to put it there was gone, rendering the motion useless.
The Nameless didn't go after him, but he knew they messaged him many times. He never looked at what they said and he hasn't turned around to return. He needed this - this quiet, that the endless sea of stars brought him, hoping he will eventually be able to face them again. Some might see it as a final farewell, since he's now an entity that doesn't age, but he knew that if he truly felt lonely, he can always come back. He already had one spot he will always know how to travel to, and he can work from there.
The universe might be endless, but he will always know where Amphoreus used to reside, as if he had another sense that told him where to go to return home. It didn't matter that he wouldn't find anything there, just empty space. He knew there used to be something there, even if just in a simulation. And if he were to spend many hours just floating there, without clear reason apart from feeling loneliness and guilt, it's not like anyone can do anything about it.
Amphoreus was never real, not to the whole universe like it was to him. And perhaps he would eventually find a way to live with it. But that time has yet to come, so he instead curled in his wings in the dark corner of the universe that held the emptiness of his home and let himself rot there.
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Lacuna - (n.) a blank space or missing part.