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It was two days after the earthquake, following Chimney’s heartfelt speech that made him feel as if he was taking on the mantle of their new captain, when Eddie told Buck just after Chris had gone to bed, “Chris and I are flying back to El Paso tomorrow just before lunch.”
Buck battled against his emotions for a moment, not sure if the relief or the disappointment was stronger. Disappointment over Eddie not telling him any earlier, not deeming it necessary to include Buck in these plans when he and Chris had been staying at Buck’s place, and it was very much Buck’s concern how long they would stay. And relief to have this place to himself again soon, to finally get a chance to work through that fight in the kitchen that just kept replaying in the back of Buck’s mind, making him uneasy about Eddie in his space the more often he thought about it. So, he had just tried not to think about it at all.
“Chim thinks I’ll be able to start at the 118 again in two weeks,” Eddie continued. “So, we need the house back at that time. I’ll let you know the exact date as soon as I’ve booked the flight.”
Buck blinked and turned around from the dishwasher he was in the process of unloading. “What?”
“I hope we manage to pack all of Chris’ things in the time we have,” Eddie continued as if he was utterly unaware of Buck’s shock and confusion. “At least he’ll have the whole summer to get settled again.”
“Since when are you coming back?” Buck asked aghast. “I thought you got the job with the El Paso Fire Department!”
Not to mention the house Eddie had bought in El Paso that he wouldn’t be able to sell without a loss before he had managed to repair it. He could hardly do that if he moved back to LA in two weeks, or even if he took the summer before coming back.
Eddie shrugged. “I told them already I wouldn’t take it. Chimney is taking care of my reinstatement with the LAFD. He says he has some favors to cash in. And the department is lenient with the 118 right now because of Bobby.”
Buck flinched minutely over the casual mentioning of Bobby. He wasn’t there yet, and he was especially not in a place yet where he would see anything about Bobby dying in a positive light. He actually detested the thought that the 118 might get preferential treatment because they had lost Bobby. That wouldn’t give them Bobby back either.
“You sure it’s that easy?” Buck asked warily.
Eddie chuckled. “The most complicated thing will be to get Chris back into a school here. But I figure I’ve some experience with that by now. And I already called Carla to help me figure that out.”
Buck just nodded, dumbfounded and feeling utterly wrongfooted.
“So, you’ll be there to help move everything when it’s delivered, right?” Eddie asked, clearly still not noticing that Buck was barely able to follow the direction this conversation had taken.
***
Twelve days after Eddie and Chris flew to El Paso, they moved back to LA. Buck learned about the exact date four days ahead of time, and of course, he didn’t have any other place to stay yet. He barely managed to get all of his things out of the house and into a storage unit in time.
Buck didn’t protest because he couldn’t see making an argument about Chris not being able to come back to this house, even though everything about this whole situation felt utterly wrong. He didn’t know what had suddenly changed to make it so easy for Eddie to convince Chris to come back to LA—or if maybe nothing had changed but Chris was just going along with Eddie’s plans because he didn’t know how else to deal with Eddie’s grief over losing Bobby, and maybe even his own grief.
After this past year and barely hearing anything from Chris, Buck didn’t feel he had the relationship with the teenager anymore to just ask about it, no matter how worried he was for Chris concerning that thought.
Buck didn’t protest about helping Eddie and Chris move their things back into the house, either. Most boxes were just put in their designated rooms, but they managed to unpack most of Chris’ things and half of the kitchen before it got too late. The rest would have to wait for the next day, and Buck wasn’t looking forward to waking up to another day of unpacking boxes after sleeping on an uncomfortable couch. Especially as this couch had now been moved over several hundred miles twice, and he couldn’t see how that journey hadn’t made the couch even more uncomfortable.
“Thanks for the help, Buck,” Eddie said when Chris had vanished into his room to get ready for the night.
Buck nodded with an exhausted smile. “Yeah, sure. No problem. It’s … It will be good to have the two of you back.” At least Buck hoped so. There was this lingering tension between him and Eddie, but maybe with Eddie and Chris both being home again, they would be able to work through it. “Come on, let’s get the couch ready. I don’t know why anyone put boxes on there!”
“Couch ready?” Eddie asked with a frown.
Buck raised his brows. “I need some place to sleep, too.”
“What?” Eddie’s frown deepened. “What are you talking about, Buck? You aren’t going to sleep here. Chris and I need some time to settle. Now is really not the time for any kind of sleepover.”
“Sleep…over?” Buck huffed. “What the fuck, Eddie? I don’t have a place to stay!”
“It’s hardly my or Chris’ fault if you can’t manage your time to find a place to stay,” Eddie said dismissively. “Take a hotel, I don’t care. You aren’t sleeping here. And with this attitude, you aren’t going to spend a night here again any time soon.”
“You can’t be serious!” Buck hissed. “You barely gave me any time to prepare for you to come back! The least you can do is let me sleep on the couch until I have found a new place.”
“I’m very serious, Buck!” Eddie snapped. “You always knew I’d come back! That’s why you took over the lease in the first place, isn’t it? I’m not responsible for you not having your life in order!”
“The one who doesn’t have his life in order is you!” Buck said through gritted teeth, barely keeping himself back from shouting. But Chris was just down the hall, and Buck really didn’t want him to get involved in a fight between Buck and Eddie. “You are the one who has been making snap decisions about your life, and you’re just lucky that everyone seems to step in to save your sorry ass. I did it twice now, with first taking over the lease and then letting you move back in here without a protest.”
Eddie interrupted him with a laugh, but it was a sharp and unpleasant sound. “And again, you’re making everything about yourself!”
Buck glared at him and continued, “And Chimney is saving your stupid ass by getting you your job at the LAFD back. And I know Carla is doing the heavy lifting about Chris’ school, not for the first time either! Didn’t Pepa also give you part of the money for that house in El Paso you’re now going to have to sell with a loss? I really hope you get at least enough back to pay your aunt back and only put yourself in financial peril and not her, too!”
This time, when the fist came flying at him, Buck saw it in time and managed to duck out of the way.
With Chimney a couple of years back, it had been an utter surprise, something he would’ve never expected of any of his friends at that point. And with Eddie for the first time a couple of weeks back, it hadn’t turned out to be as serious as it had seemed to be at the first moment, the movement he had thought for a second to be a punch turning into only a finger pointing in his face, with Eddie crowding him into a corner.
But it had made Buck cautious, even though he had tried very hard not to think too much about that moment in the kitchen when Eddie had suddenly been in his face with an angry hiss and a grab at his shoulder that Buck had still felt hours later, pointing his finger at Buck in a way that had made Buck fear he’d actually try to stab him in the face with it.
Eddie’s fist connected with the wall with a loud thud, mere inches beside Buck. He backed away with two huge steps, and Eddie pulled his hand back, shaking it out while cursing under his breath. Buck’s heart beat heavily in his chest as he backed away even further, suddenly feeling that he couldn’t get out of this house fast enough.
“Dad? Buck?” Chris called out.
Buck felt like the floor was dropping out beneath his feet as he heard Chris leave his room and come in their direction. What the hell was he supposed to tell Chris about what had just happened? He didn’t even know how to explain it to himself. All he wanted to do at this very moment was to leave and find a place where he could lick his wounds over this friendship he now didn’t even know any more if he wanted to repair.
“What happened?” Chris asked with a worried frown as he stopped in the hallway to the living room.
Eddie laughed as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened just moments ago. “Just Buck being Buck. He stumbled over his own feet and ran fist-first into our wall.” He nodded at the hole in the wall and managed to hide the offending fist out of Chris’ sight.
Chris turned to Buck. “Are you okay?”
Buck forced a smile on his face and hoped it would at least look a little bit sincere. “I’m fine, buddy. Don’t worry.”
What the hell would’ve Eddie told Chris if Buck hadn’t been able to duck out of the way of his fist? That Buck had run into a door?
Buck swallowed. “I think moving all this furniture and the boxes just really tired me out. So, I better get going so I can take a shower and get a good night’s sleep.”
Chris huffed. “But what about dinner? I thought we wanted to order pizza for everyone and have a pajama party!”
Buck wet his lip. So, he wasn’t the only one who had assumed those plans for pizza that Eddie had talked about would include all three of them. Buck knew sometimes he drew conclusions about such things that were wrong, but in this case, it clearly hadn’t been him misunderstanding something, but Eddie not being clear enough about his plans.
“We’re still going to order pizza,” Eddie said with a big smile.
“I’m going to grab something small on my way,” Buck said. “It’s probably good if the two of you can settle here by yourself without me bothering you.”
Chris stared at Buck quizzically, but he didn’t say anything, just nodded slowly.
Eddie chuckled. “Don’t forget on your way over tomorrow to pick up things to fix that hole in the wall.”
Buck plastered on a smile he knew this time couldn’t look anything but utterly fake as he turned his full attention to Eddie. “Nah, I taught you last time how to fix a hole in your wall. I’m sure you’ll manage alone with this one. I think it’s best if I make myself scarce the next little while so you can get used to living in this house together again, just the two of you.”
Buck didn’t wait for an answer, though he noticed that Chris’ frown had grown even deeper when he turned around and left the house without another word. He was glad now that he had put the duffel bag he had packed for the next couple of days in his car in the morning, so it wouldn’t be in the way while they moved Eddie and Chris back into the house.
He had never before felt relieved when the Diaz’s house had vanished out of his sight while driving away, and this time, this foreign relief was followed by utter emptiness.
***
Buck didn’t know how far he had driven or where he had driven until he had stopped near a random bar. Now he was sitting there, nursing at least his third beer that had been supplemented with several shots in between. It had been enough alcohol that he felt a pleasant buzz now and that he didn’t constantly think about Eddie trying to punch him anymore.
“Evan?”
Buck looked up, and a big grin grew on his face. “Tommy!” he exclaimed much too loudly, but he didn’t care. “What are you doing here?”
“Grabbing a beer,” Tommy said and raised the glass. “Are you alright?”
Buck giggled and gestured for Tommy to sit down. “Much better now. You’re always making everything better!”
“Am I?” Tommy asked skeptically.
Buck nodded enthusiastically and then stopped abruptly because it made the room spin around him. “Yes! Until you don’t because you leave. But that’s okay. Everyone always leaves. Should be used to that by now, right?”
Tommy sighed and sat down. “How much did you have?”
Buck shrugged. “Need to ask the bartender what I have to pay for.”
Tommy raised his brows and took a drink of his beer. “I’m a little worried about you, Evan.”
Buck beamed. “Really?”
“Have you been spending a lot of nights in bars getting drunk?”
Buck chuckled. “Nah. Today is a special day. I’m officially homeless as of this morning.” He stopped and inhaled deeply, then giggled again. “I guess Maddie is right that I forgot all those lessons of my years travelling, like being alone. And knowing that living in your car isn’t really all that great.”
“Homeless?” Tommy asked.
Buck nodded, much more carefully than earlier, so the room wouldn’t spin again. “Eddie’s back. Demanded the house back. And didn’t even offer me the couch to sleep on until I find something new.” He hiccupped. “I really don’t know why you ever thought he was any kind of competition.”
Tommy winced a little. “Yeah, that wasn’t my best moment.”
“You were wrong, wrong, wrong,” Buck said and emptied half the beer he still had in one go. Then he put the glass back on the table with a loud thud. “Don’t you think if I were in love with Eddie, I’d have known I’m bi long before meeting you? I’m not that fucking stupid.”
Tommy sighed deeply. “You aren’t stupid at all, Evan.”
Buck made a face and mournfully stared into his glass, which was suddenly empty. When had this happened? “I think I’m pretty stupid. Why else did I end up with two friends who don’t see a problem in punching me? One of them is married to my sister now, and the other is … was my best … I don’t think I have a best friend anymore, Tommy.” He ended on a whine and hastily rubbed his hand over his eyes so Tommy wouldn’t see any tears.
Tommy sucked in air through his teeth. “Eddie punched you? And Chimney, too? When?”
“Eddie tried to,” Buck corrected, and after a moment of silence, he added proudly, “I learned to duck after Chimney. Or, learned to duck again. There were a couple of guys when I started travelling who tried to punch me. So, I already knew how to duck, but I didn’t do it with Chimney because I didn’t expect him to do it.”
Tommy closed his eyes for a moment. “But you expected it with Eddie?”
Buck shrugged. “I think he wanted to punch me in the kitchen during that fight. He didn’t, though. Just grabbed my shoulder and nearly poked my eye out with his finger.” He huffed and grinned when he looked down and found his glass full again. He took a drink and pulled a face because the beer didn’t taste much of anything. “Told me off about making everyone’s grief for Bobby about myself. But that’s not true, Tommy! No one would talk to me! How could I take care of them if no one talked to me? Bobby said—” He hiccupped again. “—said I had to take care of them. And now he is disappointed in me, because I couldn’t do that. But I tried! I really tried.”
“I’m sure Bobby isn’t disappointed in you,” Tommy said softly. “Drink up, Evan. I’m going to take you home.”
“Didn’t you listen to me?” Buck whined. “No one ever listens! I don’t have a home! Not gonna beg Eddie for the place on his couch. He’d just make me repair the hole in his wall. He can do that all by himself this time.”
Tommy sighed deeply. “I meant I’m taking you home with me.”
Buck frowned and cocked his head. “Really?” Then he grinned. “Are you gonna give me a tour of your place?”
Tommy huffed, but he was clearly amused. “You already got a tour of the place. I’m going to dump you into the bed of my guestroom and let you sleep off the alcohol. And as soon as you have worked through the hangover, we’ll revisit this conversation.”
“I won’t have a hangover. I’m not that drunk.”
Tommy laughed. “Sure, tell yourself that. I did ask the bartender how much you already had. You’re so very drunk, Evan.”
Buck frowned. “You didn’t ask the bartender anything!”
“I did,” Tommy said with raised brows. “At the same time as he dropped off the water for us and as I paid for both of us.”
Buck blinked. Then he looked down at the beer that had been tasting funny for a while and noticed that it really was water. “Oh. When was this?”
Tommy sighed. “Do you need any more proof about how drunk you are? It would be a wonder if you remembered any of this tomorrow morning.”
Buck shook his head slowly. “Gonna remember. I don’t have blackouts.”
“You already don’t remember that I talked with the bartender a couple of minutes ago,” Tommy said.
Buck huffed and drank the rest of his not-beer, pulling a face over it being so tasteless. When he stood, Tommy’s support was the only thing that stopped him from falling to the ground, but Buck decided not to say anything about that. Maybe Tommy was right and he was a little more drunk than he thought. But Tommy didn’t need to know that.
***
Buck woke with a terrible headache, but what he had told Tommy turned out to be true: He remembered every moment of the last night, including that conversation between Tommy and the bartender that he hadn’t remembered the previous evening for a little while. Though, Tommy had been right, too. It had been a very long time since Buck had been as drunk as he had been the previous night.
Buck pulled the blanket over his head and concentrated only on his breathing for a little while. He only felt more miserable now than he had after leaving the Diaz’s house. He didn’t want to face the world, and he especially didn’t want to face Tommy. His broken relationship with Tommy was even more painful than whatever mess was his maybe past friendship with Eddie.
Eventually, Buck forced himself to leave the bed. The house was quiet, but in the kitchen, he found breakfast prepared for him, and as soon as he turned the coffee maker on, Tommy appeared in the doorway.
“Hey,” Tommy said hesitantly.
“I do remember everything,” Buck said without turning to Tommy. “Thanks for … letting me stay the night.”
“That guestroom is yours as long as you need it,” Tommy said quietly.
Buck huffed. “Now that the competition has turned out to be an asshole?”
Tommy sighed deeply and leaned one shoulder against the doorframe while crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m sorry I ever said that about Eddie. And not because of what he did yesterday.”
“Can we just forget about everything I said last night?” Buck murmured with a frown and braced his hands on the edge of the counter while intently watching the coffee machine prepare his coffee. “I was stupidly drunk, after all.”
“I don’t think I can do that, Evan,” Tommy said. “Are you hurt? You wouldn’t tell me last night.”
Buck made a face. He remembered Tommy asking about it and avoiding any answer. “Not physically. I told you, I got out of the way of his fist. The only damage done was to Eddie’s wall.”
“And to your heart,” Tommy murmured.
Buck flinched. “Yeah. I didn’t expect this would be how I lost that friendship.”
“I’m sorry.”
Buck huffed and rolled his eyes. There really wasn’t anything Tommy needed to be sorry for, but Buck was still thankful for the sentiment.
“You could’ve dropped me off at a hotel, and I would’ve been fine,” Buck murmured as he turned to the table with his hand securely wrapped around his coffee mug.
Tommy sighed and sat down opposite Buck. “I still care very deeply about you. I couldn’t have left you alone with how hurt you were last night.”
Buck lowered his gaze and took a slice of toast. He considered the butter for a moment but decided that his stomach might not be up for that. “I still don’t understand why you broke up with me. Because I don’t believe for a moment it had anything to do with you being jealous of Eddie. Not only because I don’t know what there would’ve been to be jealous about. But I know it would’ve come up much earlier if there had been any truth to it!”
Tommy sighed.
“You said yourself it was a stupid thing to say, so why did you say it?” Buck asked.
“I didn’t think I deserved a second chance,” Tommy said slowly.
Buck stared at him agape. “You brought up trying again in the first place! I was trying to give us both an easy out before that because I … didn’t want you to tell me I was clinging too much. Or alternatively laughing about me thinking that going back to the great sex we shared for one night would mean anything.”
Tommy shrugged and lowered his gaze. “I know. I’ve been kicking myself in the ass for it ever since. I got scared of my own courage the very next second. So, I said the first thing that came to mind and that I knew would make you angry. I know I deserve the rebuttal you came up with.”
Buck stared at him. It felt like there was a tiny kernel of hope burning somewhere in his chest. But everything else was so much right now, he didn’t think he could focus on that. “I want … I really want to revisit that whole conversation of that morning. And maybe walk back the stupid things we said. But I don’t think I can deal with it right now at this moment without ruining it all again.”
“We can come back to it later,” Tommy promised softly. “Whenever you’re ready. I’m going to be here and waiting.”
Buck swallowed and held Tommy’s open and honest gaze for a moment before he had to lower his gaze. He took a sip of coffee and took a second slice of toast, eyeing the pitcher with water Tommy had left beside the plates with the toast. He probably should drink some water to get a grip on this headache.
“I was serious earlier. The guestroom is yours as long as you need it,” Tommy said.
Buck smiled hesitantly. “Thank you.” He’d probably at least accept the offer for the next couple of days, but he wasn’t sure yet if it was really a good idea to stay in Tommy’s house for much longer. It would just make him want to stay forever.
“I have some questions about the things you told me last night that I really can’t let go, Evan,” Tommy continued.
Buck groaned and rested his head on the table, hoping that it would give him at least some reprieve, even if it wouldn’t help him avoid Tommy’s questions forever. He even understood why Tommy would have questions. Buck wished he were less talkative while being drunk.
“What were you even doing in that bar last night?” Buck asked.
Tommy laughed, and that made Buck look up in surprise. “It’s my bar. The one you know very well by now that I frequent regularly, nearest to my home.”
“Oh.” Buck blinked. “I … don’t remember going there. I was just driving around town aimlessly. I…” He sighed deeply. “Probably the familiarity with the place that made me stop there.”
“I’m glad you went there and that I found you,” Tommy said. “Please tell me what happened between you and Eddie yesterday and during that other fight you mentioned.”
***
Buck felt uneasy when he came into the 118 the next day for his shift. It was the first shift Eddie should be back with them, and Buck knew even without seeing Eddie that one day of space just wasn’t enough. He was still reeling from Eddie nearly punching him, and from Eddie so nonchalantly lying about what had happened to Chris, somehow turning it all into Buck’s fault.
He had made sure he was early, so while Buck was in the locker room getting changed, no one else from A-shift had arrived yet. When they finally arrived, Buck was already up in the loft going through the list of tasks C-shift had left that they hadn’t had time to take care of because they had been busy with a factory fire until just half an hour before shift change.
When the rest of A-shift eventually gathered, and the shift change was taken care of, Buck managed for a little while to avoid Eddie. But eventually, Eddie cornered him while Buck was kneeling on the ground and checking the hoses C-shift had used during the factory fire for any damage.
“Hey, Buck,” Eddie said lightly.
“Aren’t you supposed to stock the ladder with the new hoses?” Buck asked without looking up from his task.
Eddie chuckled. “I swapped tasks with Ravi so I could catch you for a moment.”
Buck sighed. He could hardly fault Ravi for accepting such a swap. Buck hadn’t told anyone he was avoiding Eddie after all. He proceeded to ignore Eddie, because for Buck, there wasn’t anything to talk about.
“So, Chris isn’t so happy about you being in a hotel,” Eddie said, and even though Buck wasn’t looking at him, he knew Eddie was rolling his eyes. “He asked about your new place, and I could hardly lie to him. And now he insists that you should sleep on our couch until—”
“No,” Buck said harshly and looked up with a frown.
Eddie blinked, clearly taken aback. “What?”
“No is a complete sentence, Eddie,” Buck said. “I’m not going to spend a single night in your house again. You made your opinion very clear.”
Eddie huffed and rolled his eyes. “Come on, Buck. Don’t be so dramatic.”
Buck inhaled deeply and flexed his jaw. “Can I go back to my work now? I’m sure you have some tasks you’re currently neglecting, too.”
“What do you want? That I grovel for forgiveness?”
Buck glared at Eddie. “Any attempt at an apology would’ve been appreciated. But I guess you don’t understand that you crossed a line we can’t uncross two days ago.”
“We had a little fight, so what?” Eddie asked.
Buck pulled his shoulders back and stood. He felt he needed to be able to move fast if he got into a confrontation with Eddie about this whole mess. “You nearly punched me, Eddie. You would’ve hit me if I hadn’t managed to get out of the way of your fist. And then, to top it off, you had the audacity to tell Chris I had punched that hole in your wall and expected me to fix it. I really don’t know what’s left to say between us at this point.”
“You started that fight, don’t forget that,” Eddie said. “If you hadn’t just assumed you could invade Chris’ and my space, nothing of this would’ve happened.”
Buck felt the last little bit of hope he had held onto shatter. He hadn’t wanted to, but he had still hoped that Eddie would come to this shift and give him some kind of apology. Buck really wished he could let go of people and relationships much, much easier, so he wouldn’t always open himself up to so much heartbreak over and over again.
“Duly noted,” Buck said with a bitter taste in his mouth. “I guess you’ll have to explain to your son that not everything is always going to go how he wants it by this example of me not sleeping on your couch.”
“Chris has gone through so much,” Eddie said through gritted teeth.
“Not my problem,” Buck said. “You and Chris both have made that very clear over the past year or so. Can I go back to my work now?”
“Hey.” Chimney showed up out of nowhere, and Buck braced himself mentally for whatever was to come now. “Everything alright here?”
“Yeah.” Eddie scoffed. “Buck’s just behaving as childish as ever.” With that, Eddie turned on his heels and stalked off.
Chimney followed him with his gaze for a moment, then he turned to Buck with a frown. “And here I thought you’d be much more excited to have Eddie back. It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”
“Things have changed,” Buck said. “Do you need anything from me?”
Chimney lowered his gaze, but in the end, he thankfully didn’t poke at the matter. “Just making my rounds to let everyone know we’re officially back in rotation now that we are done with picking up C-shift’s slack.”
Buck nodded and really hoped Chimney hadn’t said something like this to anyone from C-shift. Both B- and C-shift had often enough taken over getting the 118th vehicle ready again when a call had kept A-shift out too long. It was part of the job, part of working together in one station. If Chimney really wanted to go for the position of captain now that he had taken on the role of interim captain, Buck thought he needed to get a grip on these misplaced jokes. On any kind of joke, really.
***
Of course, the rest of the team had to meddle without even knowing what was going on and without giving Buck any chance to say anything about his perspective on things.
Chimney tried right after Buck was done with the hoses that were now hanging to dry, one of them marked down as needing repairs or a replacement outright. He told Buck that he needed to get a grip on his anger about Eddie leaving for El Paso, and that Buck needed to start thinking about the team again and the mood on the team. He had the audacity of bringing up Buck’s comment about the 118 only being a number anymore, practically telling Buck that this feeling was all his fault, though not in so many words.
Next came Hen, who cornered him just after lunch down in the locker room while everyone else was still in the loft cleaning up from another meal they hadn’t shared. Buck still hated that they had just abandoned that tradition with Bobby’s death, but he had given up on arguing his case about that. Hen, at least, asked first how he was doing, but when Buck told her he didn’t want to talk about it, she went on talking about giving Eddie a little time to settle down here in LA again. Buck stoically let her talk without saying anything and was relieved when she finally took his silence as the dismissal it was.
When Ravi sought him out in the middle of the night, Buck was a little mystified. He hadn’t expected Ravi to join Hen and Chimney in their attempts to lecture him about how he should be a better friend to Eddie and everyone else in general.
“Do you have a place to stay?” Ravi asked instead as he dropped down onto the couch right beside Buck.
Buck blinked in surprise. “I … got something for the moment.”
“Good.” Ravi nodded. “And have you already filed your transfer request you mentioned a couple of weeks ago? Or do you need any help filling that out?”
Buck turned to Ravi with his full body and stared at him. “What are you on about?”
Ravi lowered his gaze. “I don’t have my head stuck up my ass as Chimney and Hen do. And I might have heard most of your argument with Eddie. Though, I promise you, I’d be asking the exact same questions if I didn’t know he nearly punched you.”
“Don’t tell anyone,” was the first thing out of Buck’s mouth. Then he winced.
Ravi sighed. “Yeah, I figured. One of the first things I learned about you after I joined A-shift was that you’re a self-sacrificing idiot. Even while you were chasing me with a chainsaw.”
“A non-functioning chainsaw!” Buck protested with a laugh. It had become something of a running gag between them.
Ravi grinned. “You could’ve told me that before chasing me all through the firehouse. Anyway. I think transferring will do you good. It will get you away from some people who put you in a box many years ago and aren’t able to see that you don’t fit that box anymore. And I honestly doubt you ever fit that box, but I didn’t know you at the time, so I can’t be absolutely sure.”
Buck chuckled mirthlessly. “Believe me, I fit that box. They didn’t create it out of nothing.”
Ravi frowned, but he didn’t argue. “So, your transfer request?”
“I … Don’t you think it’s the worst time of all to transfer out?” Buck asked. “What if that makes someone higher up the chain of command question Chimney’s fitness to be our new captain?”
Ravi rolled his eyes. “Either Chimney will be able to face those questions and come out on top of it, or he is just not the right fit to be our captain. I think Hen would be great for the job, but I don’t think anyone will be able to convince her of that.”
Buck sighed deeply. “Yeah.”
“I know I wouldn’t want to work with anyone who tried to punch me,” Ravi said. “I’m not sure I still want to work with Eddie knowing he tried to punch you.”
Buck bit his lip and wondered what Ravi would say if he ever learned what had happened between Buck and Chimney all those years ago after the blackout. Tommy had been outraged over it when Buck had eventually relented the previous day and explained his drunken rambling a little more. No excuse Buck had for Chimney’s behavior seemed to be enough to calm Tommy down. The worst part was how good it felt to have someone so outraged on Buck’s behalf, even though all that had happened years ago.
“That’s what Tommy said, too,” Buck murmured and closed his eyes, leaning his head back.
“Tommy?” Ravi asked, surprised.
“I somehow ended up in his favorite bar,” Buck explained. “Don’t ask me how I ended up there. I don’t think I was … noticing much of anything after I left Eddie’s place.”
“Understandable,” Ravi said. “I can’t even imagine the shock of that betrayal from a friend.”
Buck hummed.
“So, you’re staying with Tommy?”
Buck nodded. “He took me home with him and dumped me in his guestroom. Then he told me the next morning that the room was mine for as long as I needed it.”
“Good. Does that mean you and Tommy are working things out?”
Buck shrugged. “Now is really not the right time for me to work anything out with him.”
“Why not?” Ravi asked.
Buck turned his head and looked at Ravi incredulously. “Because of everything that’s going on! I’d just cling too much because that’s what I do. And right now, getting back together with Tommy would be the only good thing going on in my life at all. Until I ruin it again because I demand too much. And I would. Because, as I said, everything else is just going to shit. And it doesn’t seem like that’s going to stop anytime soon.”
Ravi hummed. “Have you told him as much at least?”
Buck frowned. “Why should I?”
“So that Tommy knows what’s going on in your head?” Ravi suggested with raised brows. “And in your heart. He can hardly read your mind about that.”
Buck bit his lip and stared at Ravi, undecidedly.
Ravi huffed. “You’re so thick-headed! Or don’t talk to him and continue wailing in misery. Also, I think it’s stupid to think you don’t deserve some happiness, especially at a time when so much is going wrong for you. Be honest with Tommy about that, too, and ask him to be honest in return and tell you if he needs some time. I promise you, your world won’t end if he tells you he needs a couple of hours to himself and you have to wait out those hours for him to come back.”
“I know that,” Buck said petulantly.
“Do you?” Ravi asked skeptically. “Then get out of your head and talk with the guy you clearly can’t let go of. Before I have to start meddling again. Last time I got at least lucky, this time I’d probably have to set up a meeting. Though that’s a little easier with you living at his place for the moment. I can’t believe Eddie threw you out of the house like this! What an ass!”
Buck shrugged.
“So, your transfer request?” Ravi asked.
“You aren’t going to let this go, are you?”
“Nope.” Ravi nudged him with his elbow, and Buck sighed deeply. “Honestly, no one outside of this station will question a transfer request, Buck. That kind of changeover is expected after the loss we suffered.”
“You think so?”
“I know so,” Ravi said. “I’m going to wait until there is a decision about who will be A-shift’s new captain, and until your replacement will be mostly integrated into the team. Then I’ll file such a request myself.”
Buck frowned. “What?”
“I just told you, I’m not feeling very comfortable with the knowledge that Eddie tried to hit you,” Ravi said. “I didn’t think he had that kind of side. Doesn’t seem to be the type, you know?”
Buck wet his lip, remembering a conversation with Eddie that seemed to be so long ago now in the kitchen of his loft, while Chris had been playing video games just at the other end of the room. Buck had known that this kind of reaction could be expected from Eddie under certain circumstances. He had just assumed he wouldn’t ever be the one to inadvertently put Eddie in that situation, in that mindset. He had thought Eddie had dealt with it.
In the past, Buck had helped Eddie deal with it. Had tried to give him the support he seemed to need. But Buck felt too broken now to muster up the strength and courage to get through Eddie’s thick skull, to make him see some sense. Especially as Eddie had proven the whole day that he thought Buck was the problem.
“What if no other station wants me?”
At first, Ravi laughed. Until he turned to Buck and saw his startled look over that reaction. Ravi shook his head and nudged Buck’s side again. “I’m gonna make you a bet. Starting from the moment your request hits the grapevine of the LAFD, it won’t take three days until you have at least as many captains knocking on your door.”
Buck huffed. “You’re crazy.”
“Do you take the bet?” Ravi asked.
Buck frowned. “What’s the stakes?”
Ravi pursed his lips. “Let’s see. If I win, you aren’t going to protest about me kicking Hen in the ass until she throws you the biggest and best goodbye party she ever organized for anyone.”
Buck laughed, startled. “What?”
Ravi rolled his eyes. “I know you. With the way Chimney already tried to guilt-trip you into staying, they won’t be very generous about you still putting in for a transfer. So, you’d probably insist you don’t want a goodbye party just to smooth out others’ ruffled feathers. If I win this bet, you won’t protest that party, and you’ll let me deal with the sulking trio.”
“Good thing you won’t win the bet,” Buck said. “Every task around here I want to swap with you, you’ll swap without protest for a month.”
Ravi grinned brightly. “Great, it’s a deal!”
***
Buck waited in the morning after the shift, leaning against Eddie’s car. He didn’t really want to talk with Eddie, but a niggling thought had taken hold of him at one point during his conversation with Ravi. Buck knew he wouldn’t be able to do much, but he had to try at least.
“What do you want, Buck?” Eddie asked darkly. “Causing a scene again? Haven’t you done enough of that during the last twenty-four hours?”
Buck clenched his teeth and swallowed against the lump in his throat. “No. I just need to get something off my chest, then I’m going to get in my car and enjoy the next twenty-four hours when I don’t have to see you.”
Eddie huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.
“There was a time when I thought you’d never raise a hand against me,” Buck said. “But then, there also was a time when I thought you’d never raise your hand against anyone. And I learned better about that years ago.”
“I don’t have time for your whining, Buck.”
Buck stepped away from Eddie’s car and exhaled slowly. “You need to get help, Eddie. Before it becomes Chris, who finds himself in the way of your fist. Or your aunt. Both would be equally horrifying, and there would never be any walking back from it for you.”
Eddie paled, and Buck felt strangely satisfied about that.
“I can’t be the one who helps you anymore,” Buck said. “But before I turn my back on you, I needed to remind you that there are lines you’d regret for the rest of your fucking, miserable life if you ever crossed them. So do something to help yourself before you cross them.”
Buck turned around on his heels and walked away, ignoring Eddie angrily shouting his name. Walking away from Eddie now held a finality to it that made Buck’s heart feel heavy. He wished he could just take some personal time to deal with the loss of this friendship, which probably included the loss of any relationship he’d had with Chris and even Pepa. They both had his number, but he doubted they’d reach out to him once Eddie came up with whatever story he’d tell them about their friendship ending.
***
Tommy was waiting for Buck when he came home two hours later after having breakfast with Ravi and letting himself be bullied into actually submitting that transfer request. Buck just stared at him from his car for a moment, Ravi’s words from the night echoing in the back of his mind.
“How was the shift?” Tommy asked, with clear worry in his voice, when Buck finally approached the house.
“As you’d expect,” Buck said with a sigh and shrugged. “Or worse, I don’t know.”
“Worse?” Tommy asked with a frown. “I could make breakfast for us?”
Buck shook his head. “Thanks, but Ravi insisted we get breakfast together so he could bully me into submitting a transfer request. Tried to tell him nothing will come off it, but I guess he is eager to do all the shitty jobs I don’t want to do for a month.”
Tommy’s frown just deepened.
Buck chuckled and started retelling the weirdness of his shift as Tommy followed him inside. It was great to talk with someone about work who hadn’t been there, like Ravi, and who wouldn’t try to tell him he misunderstood something, like Maddie. Buck had missed talking to Tommy about what was going on at work so much, had missed being able to just be open about it without having to fear he’d be judged for it.
“You’ll lose your bet with Ravi,” Tommy said when Buck stopped talking. At that point, they were sitting on the back porch, both with a glass of iced tea.
Buck huffed. “Don’t kid yourself. I’m pretty sure no one would want to touch anyone from the 118 at this point.”
Tommy chuckled and shook his head. “See, I think that’s another good reason for a transfer. You need to get a broader perspective of the LAFD. If I had known you were already thinking about it, I’d have encouraged you to do it, too. I’m glad Ravi did.”
Buck shrugged uncomfortably.
“You submitted this morning, right?” Tommy asked thoughtfully. “That means it will hit most captains’ notice sometime this afternoon. Three days from there, that’s right in the middle of your second shift from now. No way to avoid Ravi demanding to see your inbox so he can claim his win.”
Buck rolled his eyes. “You aren’t half as funny as you think.”
Tommy grinned. “I didn’t try to be funny. If you’re so convinced no one will offer you a place at another station, we could agree on a bet, too!”
“No,” Buck said decidedly.
Tommy laughed.
“Ravi kind of called me out on something else, too,” Buck said slowly. “When I told him that I’m crashing in your guestroom for the time being.”
Out of the corner of his eyes, Buck saw Tommy turn to him, but Buck kept his eyes stubbornly trained on a spot on the other side of Tommy’s backyard. Ravi’s advice sounded much easier to follow through on than it actually was.
Buck inhaled deeply. “I’m afraid I’d cling too much if we tried again right now. I … You’d be the only good thing going on in my life right now. And I am … I would be too afraid to trust that. Because you broke up with me in November, and somehow everything has slowly gone to hell ever since. And I can’t get Bobby back. I don’t see any possibility of getting my friendship with Eddie back. And here you are offering the one thing I can get back, and that I’ve been yearning for for more than half a year now. But all I can do is wonder what’s gonna happen next to take you away permanently, too.”
“Evan.” Tommy exhaled loudly.
“I think I forgot to tell you how much I missed you, too,” Buck continued. “That night at the bar when Ravi dropped you at our table and then ran away like a coward.”
Tommy chuckled lowly.
“But I did miss you, still miss you. Every single fucking day. You being there makes things better, even if they’re utterly horrible. I’m sure that you were there at Bobby’s funeral, even though we barely spoke that day, was the only reason I didn’t just … break apart completely.”
“I think it’s my turn to ask for a second chance,” Tommy said softly. “Or third, if we count both November and our night in March.”
Buck blinked and turned to Tommy, who watched him with a sad smile.
“We both know I can’t promise you to never get badly hurt,” Tommy said. “We’ve both chosen the wrong job for that. But I can promise to always do my best to come home to you.” Tommy held out a hand to Buck. “Could I have another chance to prove I’m not always a coward running away from difficult moments? Could you give us another chance to figure out how to be together without letting both of our insecurities get the better of us?”
Buck bit his lip with a grin and took Tommy’s hand. “Do you have any plans for Saturday?”
Tommy laughed. “Sadly, yes. We’re both on shift next Saturday.”
Buck made a face. “Right. Damn it.”
“Maybe starting on a new day in the week will do us some good.” Tommy winked at him. “How about Sunday?”
“Sounds perfect,” Buck agreed softly.
***
Tommy was right. Two shifts later in the afternoon, Ravi insisted on seeing Buck’s inbox to check it for any messages from captains reaching out to Buck concerning his transfer request. For that, Ravi separated him from the rest of the shift, not that that was at all difficult. Eddie wasn’t speaking to Buck at all if it wasn’t necessary during calls and kept glaring at him. And Hen and Chimney had gotten it in their head that it was on Buck to fix the situation with Eddie, so they were treating him with a cold shoulder, too, because he wouldn’t follow their advice about how to grovel for Eddie’s forgiveness.
Buck hadn’t checked his inbox since the beginning of the previous shift, at which point there had been nothing there outside of the usual emails he regularly got. He might have been avoiding his inbox ever since, telling himself that checking only to find no one was interested in his transfer request would be too demoralizing.
So, when Buck opened his inbox now with the conviction Ravi would have to apologize for his overconfidence, he could only stare at the thirteen emails with the subject “your transfer request” with his mouth hanging open.
“Your schedule is gonna be full the next four days to talk with thirteen … oh, look, fourteen captains about your future place in the LADP,” Ravi crowed smugly. “Come on, let’s look at which stations have offered, and which shifts. We should check them all out, so you can go into those interviews prepared.”
“This isn’t some kind of prank you’re pulling on me, is it?” Buck asked, still staring at his inbox.
Ravi huffed. “Who’d think that kind of prank would be funny?” He paused and then sighed. “Okay, forget I asked, I have a pretty good idea. It’s not a prank. Look, it’s all official LAFD addresses.”
“Don’t tell anyone yet,” Buck whispered, feeling utterly dumbstruck.
Ravi sighed and bumped his shoulder against Buck’s. “Of course not. You’re gonna tell the rest when you’ve secured your new place. I’ll still have at least two weeks to bully Hen into creating the best farewell party ever; that’s enough time for her to work wonders.”
Buck sighed. “Don’t make her hate you.”
“I won’t,” Ravi promised, chuckling. “I’m just going to make her see some sense. Come on, get out your metaphorical clipboard, aka your notes app. We have a list to work out!”
After a couple of minutes, after reading the first three or four emails, Ravi’s excitement turned out to be contagious. They spent the next hour until they got a call, and afterward, most of the night scheduling appointments with all the captains who had reached out to Buck, and then researching as much about them and their stations as they could.
***
Four days later, on the evening before Buck and Ravi’s next shift, Tommy and Ravi took Buck out for dinner to celebrate Buck’s pending transfer to B-shift of the 115. There was still a lot of paperwork to be done, and it would still be at least three or more likely four weeks until his last shift with the 118, but Buck’s new captain had already promised him that nothing could stop his transfer, not even his current interim captain throwing a wrench into the process. Buck hadn’t voiced any concerns about Chimney trying to block his transfer to Captain Juárez or in any of his other interviews, but he forced himself not to wonder about the fact that anyone was expecting that kind of behavior. It was not his problem to deal with.
Buck announced his pending transfer to the whole of A-shift at once, two shifts later, while everyone was gathered in the loft right after Chimney had announced everyone’s tasks for the day. It went over as well as he had expected. Many people were happy for him and congratulated him, but Chimney, Hen, and Eddie were anything but happy.
Eddie only talked once to Buck about it, telling him he wasn’t surprised Buck chose the coward’s way of running away from the problems he had created. Hen and Chimney laughed in agreement, Ravi glared silently at Eddie, but thankfully didn’t start an argument, and Buck just turned on his heels and proceeded to ignore Eddie whenever he didn’t have to directly work with him.
Chimney spent two shifts giving Buck all the tasks around the station no one else wanted to do and making him man behind whenever he could. When it stopped abruptly on the third shift, Buck suspected that someone—most likely Hen after Ravi or someone else had pointed it out to her—had told Chimney he wasn’t doing himself any favors with that behavior if he really wanted to get that permanent promotion to captain. After that, he started treating Buck like a floater, like someone he hadn’t known for nearly a decade now. Outside of work, Maddie and Chimney were suddenly very busy, too, not even asking Buck to babysit during their date nights anymore. It stung, but Buck hadn’t honestly expected anything else. It wasn’t the first time they froze him out, after all.
A week before Buck’s last shift with the 118, Hen sought Buck out in the middle of the night in the loft. Buck had turned to spending the night hours of any shift there, feeling too uncomfortable in sharing the bunk room with Eddie. It meant Buck barely got any sleep during the nights on shift, but he had fast learned to compensate for that, and knowing that it would find an end soon was a relief, too.
“I’m sorry,” Hen started and sat down on the couch opposite Buck. “I’ve been a shitty friend to you, and I shouldn’t have needed Ravi hounding me about a goodbye party for you to see that.”
Buck shrugged. He had always known Hen was Chimney’s friend first, and now he knew that between Eddie and him, she would always choose Eddie, too. It was a lesson he would hold close for whatever friendship he’d find at the 115. These last couple of months had also been a lesson about him desperately needing friends outside of his work bubble, and he’d start working on that soon. His friendship with Ravi would be a good start for that after his transfer. And Tommy, of course, but that was a very different matter.
“May I ask what happened between you and Eddie?” Hen asked.
Buck lowered his gaze at her, suddenly doubting her apology. “What did he tell you?”
Hen bit her lip. “He told Chimney and me that you had protested about him and Chris moving back into the house when he asked about it. That you started a fight over it and nearly delayed the whole move because you hadn’t moved your things out. And that you then started another argument when you demanded to sleep on his couch, which ended with a hole in his living room wall.”
Buck raised his brows and wondered for a moment how much it would matter to correct that perception at all. “I did expect that I’d be able to sleep on Eddie’s couch until I found something else. But I backed away as soon as he made it clear that it wouldn’t be happening. All my things were long in storage by the day Eddie and Chris moved back from El Paso, and I even stayed the whole day to help them with the move. And lastly, it was Eddie’s fist that left a hole in his wall.”
Hen sighed and nodded slowly. “Yeah. That makes sense.”
“Do you still think I’m the one who needs to make amends?” Buck asked.
“No.” Hen looked at him with a sad smile. “I’m sorry. I should’ve asked for your version all along. Have you been staying with Ravi?”
Buck cocked his head and watched her thoughtfully. “No. I’ve found another roommate.”
That wasn’t strictly a lie, even. He and Tommy had been dating again for nearly a month now, but for their living arrangement, they had agreed on a house-share situation. Buck had his own space in the house that was off limits to Tommy if he wasn’t invited, and the same was true the other way around. They had figured out what in the house was communal space and how to distribute the chores between them.
Ravi had helped them figure out a rent agreement, and Ravi had also agreed to kick both of their asses if them dating blew up in their faces again so neither would back out of this contract, even in the worst-case scenario for their relationship. All so that Buck would have the security of a home for however long he needed it. It felt a little too much for Buck, but he could see Ravi’s argument after the agreement about Eddie’s house had turned out as bad as it had for Buck. So, Tommy and Buck were officially roommates now, with the additional benefit of going on dates and not always spending the night in their own bed in the shared house.
“That’s good,” Hen said. “I didn’t even think about it that Eddie and Chris coming back left you homeless.”
“What’s your goal here, Hen?” Buck asked because he just couldn’t figure it out.
Hen frowned. “What?”
“My friendship with Eddie is done, and he clearly doesn’t regret that at all,” Buck said. “Maybe he’ll come to regret it eventually, but it’s far too late to change anything about it. You and Chimney, you’ve hurt me just as much. You’ve broken my trust nearly as badly as Eddie did. A simple apology won’t fix that. It also won’t change my mind about transferring to the 115. Nothing will change my mind about the transfer.”
“I don’t want to change your mind about that,” Hen said quietly and rubbed her hands over her thighs. “I know you’ll do well there. And it’s probably a good move for your career. I’d like to try to repair our friendship, though. Do you think there is a chance for that?”
Buck eyed her skeptically. “Maybe. Under a couple of conditions.”
Hen nodded. “Okay.”
“Our friendship has nothing to do with your friendships with Chimney or Eddie. Just as much as my relationship with Chimney, whatever form that will take on as soon as he and Maddie stop freezing me out of their lives as punishment for not following Chimney’s lead on the job, will take on.”
Hen winced a little. “Yeah, that’s fair.”
“I’m not going to chase after you,” Buck said. “Once my last shift here is done, you’ll have to prove that you mean it. I’m not in a place right now to just trust your word on that.”
“I understand. And I’ll put in the work to get your trust back and keep it this time,” Hen promised.
Buck watched her and managed a hesitant smile. He couldn’t believe her quite yet, but maybe this was a good first step to get at least a semblance of the friendship back he had at one point thought to share with Hen.
“You know what you could start with?” Buck asked. “Rein in Ravi about that party he insists you throw me.”
Hen threw her head back in laughter, then she shook her head. “I don’t think that’s something I can do. He is very insistent. And I agree with him. You deserve one last good memory with us.”
***
Buck didn’t agree with Ravi or Hen, but they didn’t care about his opinion on this matter. They were gleefully planning during Buck’s last couple of shifts, and they were not very subtle about it. When his very last shift with the 118 finally arrived, Eddie was missing, and Chimney explained he had taken a personal day off to take care of something concerning Chris’ school. Something in the look Hen and Ravi exchanged made Buck suspect, though, that somehow their idea of him having one last good memory of the 118 involved Eddie’s absence, and sadly, they weren’t even wrong with that.
Of course, they were still working and had several calls throughout the day. But there was cake and balloons and confetti—much to Chimney’s misery, who complained about cleaning that up later—and somehow pictures over pictures of Buck’s time at the 118, accompanied by stories about what everyone remembered the most fondly about Buck.
Then there was dinner delivered—apparently home-cooked by Karen with some help from Hen, Denny, and Mara, and Buck sent a text to Tommy to remind him he needed to send Karen a bottle of wine and find something to send the two kids as well—and for the first time since Bobby’s death the whole shift came together to share a meal.
During that dinner, several people spoke up about how they had missed it and suggested going back to it in the future. Even if no one would cook for everyone and everyone brought things for themselves, there were several loud voices suggesting eating together again. Buck didn’t look at Chimney or Hen during that conversation, but if his farewell dinner would change their mind about the matter, Buck would take it as a win. Even if that meant he probably couldn’t complain to Ravi about the whole party anymore.
The morning after the shift ended—after Buck stayed half an hour longer to help with the cleanup of the confetti—Buck came home to Tommy waiting for him with a breakfast he had promised the day before when Buck had left home for his shift. Buck ignored the breakfast and walked right into Tommy’s arms, grateful when Tommy just hugged him without hesitation.
“That bad?” Tommy asked quietly.
Buck sighed deeply, tears burning in his eyes. “No. It was a great shift. Even if Chimney was still grumpy. And Eddie was missing, and I think Hen blackmailed him to take the shift off or something. The shift was great, and I loved it, and I think they’ll start eating together again. But now I’m really fucking sad to leave.”
Tommy sighed. “Ah. You can be both, you know? Sad to leave and still happy about it at the same time.”
Buck nodded and buried himself a little more in Tommy’s embrace.
Tommy kissed his temple. “In two days, you’re starting at the 115, and that will be a great adventure. Everyone who is worth your friendship at the 118 will make sure to stay in contact with you.”
“I know.” Buck exhaled slowly. “And I’m really looking forward to starting at the 115. Hen and Ravi set out to remind me of the good times at the 118, and they really did. I think they even remembered some more of the good times before we all let our grief over Bobby get the best of us. I hope they’ll get back some of that now. Even if I can’t be part of that.”
“You’ll find your own good times with your new team.”
“And with the friends who’ll manage to stick around,” Buck murmured.
He was pretty sure that Ravi would be exactly that kind of friend. Hen was still to be seen, but she was clearly making an effort. And maybe he would find some kind of friendship with some of the rest, who he hadn’t been that near with while working at the 118. Some, like Tanika, had already threatened to hunt him down for a beer if he tried to avoid them.
“You know, I’m really glad you found me that night in the bar,” Buck murmured.
Tommy chuckled. “I’m glad you remembered it as a safe place to go there that night.”
Buck grinned, then he stepped back and took Tommy’s hand. “Okay, enough with the moping. Let’s have breakfast and then distract me from feeling sad about this really perfect last shift with the 118 Hen and Ravi created for me. I don’t want to think about it again until I’m able to only feel happy about that memory.”