Work Text:
It’s always so dramatic, the way people describe being suicidal. It’s not a siren luring you to death but an incessant voice in the back of your mind, a knee jerk reaction to every mistake you make, big or little, or when something bad happens or when something good happens. It doesn’t make sense, isn’t logical or sensible. It’s just an option. One that is always lurking in the back of your mind. One that you don’t think you’ll actually choose. But maybe, just in case, if one day you…
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. Because… because it…
It won’t, will it?
When will it ever be?
Evan finds himself lying on the floor beside Connor, a boy he never imagined being friends with let alone date, but the two are kindred spirits in their own ways. Trauma bonded without any shared trauma. Understanding each other but not suffocating each other with their own demons.
“Sometimes I just feel like I’m too broken to ever get better,” Evan says to the ceiling, not daring to meet Connor’s eyes. “What does that even look like? Being better? Being fine?”
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I like you better broken,” Connor says, head turning to face Evan. “Makes you real. People who’ve never gone through shit are just robots, floating through life without any awareness or empathy for anyone because they can’t even fathom having to struggle.”
“Connor, don’t say that.”
“Why? It’s fucking true.”
“Don’t you think it’d be better? Not to be so…”
“Fucked up?” He snorts and turns to look at the ceiling again. “I don’t know. I don’t waste my time on what-ifs. No point when it’s never gonna happen. I’m fucked in the head. You’re fucked in the head. Alright? So what are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, the least you can do is stay alive.”
Evan’s head snaps to the side, looking at Connor with wide eyes.
“Dying’s the easy way out and just leaves the people you leave behind broken instead. I get that now. Selfish? Maybe. A waste of time? Definitely.”
“How can you be so…”
“I’m just seeing it how it is. We live in a first person perspective and when that ends… well we don’t know what happens after. But I know what I’ve got here and now while I’m alive. So, I’ll stick around and see what else it brings. Being broken’s not so bad. Not when it means you’re alive.”
Evan takes in the sight of Connor, imagines losing him, and then shakes away the thought. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”
He grins. “Of course I’m right. Now stop being so fucking emo and let’s makeout.”
“Always so blunt,” Evan says, pretending to be admonished.
Connor rolls over so he’s hovering over Evan. “Is that a no then?”
“No!”
“That was a no. And you know consent is very important to me—”
“Connor,” Evan whines petulantly and Connor presses his lips against his, smile against smile.
There’s a lot of reasons Evan wants to die, but there’s starting to be a lot more to stay alive.