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Aziraphale sleepily rolled over when he heard the door close and the musical tone of the digital lock engaging. One eye opened and took in the rumpled sheets and the dented pillow. He picked up his head and read a hastily scribbled note lying on the bed next to him.
Had a great time, 10/10 would swipe right again ;) … Will ring after work, but text if you want! - AJC
Aziraphale grinned, easily in agreement. He very rarely decided to use a ‘hook-up application’, but every once in a while, he would give it another try. He’d never had such a satisfying encounter, though. He was glad that he and Anthony had had the ‘morning after’ conversation before they fell asleep last night. Anthony had warned him that he had to leave early for work, but was interested in meeting again. Aziraphale appreciated the warning; it wouldn’t have been the first time his partner snuck out.
He burrowed down into the mattress with a wincing smile. He’d been given a jolly good seeing to and he was feeling a satisfied ache in his backside. He stretched and then rolled out of bed to use the toilet. His stance was a bit wobbly as he found his feet and then gingerly went to the en suite. He leaned heavily on the wall as he used the toilet, one eye closing in a wince.
“Anthony was … impressive … “ Aziraphale mumbled to himself as he shifted on his heels.
He limped back to the bed and began cleaning up. The lubricant was put back in his side drawer, along with the unused condoms. The used condom wrappers were tossed in the bin, and he quickly counted, making sure the wrappers and the condoms already in the bin matched. Satisfied, he started making the bed, keeping an eye out for his vibrator. It was a tiny bullet, but bright pink and difficult to miss. He’d almost finished making the bed when he realised he hadn’t found the vibrator.
The bed was unmade and coverings thoroughly shaken out. He pulled the pillows out of their cases and checked under the bed. He ran his hand along the wall and between the mattress and bedframe. All the while, a barely there limp accompanied him. A small ‘hitch in his giddy-up’ some would call it. He wouldn’t, but he did have a few American friends, and he was sure they would have.
It was almost thirty minutes later that he finally admitted that the vibrator appeared to be missing. Were he to have a flatmate, or believe in ghosts, he would have thought himself the victim of a prank. As it was, he was utterly flummoxed as to where his vibrator went. He ran through his memories of the previous evening. Two drinks at the pub over a boundaries discussion, pretending to watch telly while enjoying some heavy petting, some spinetingling making out before moving to the bed, toe-curling foreplay which introduced the vibrator, and there was no forgetting the perfectly exquisite fucking he received. Anthony had finished, and then pulled out another condom, finishing Aziraphale off with his mouth as he palmed the bullet, pressing it against his perineum as his long fingers continued fucking into him.
Aziraphale gave a little wiggle thinking about it all before trying to remember what had happened after that. Well, he’d climaxed, of course. But after even that. He gave a quiet hiss as he sat on the bed, ticking off the boxes in his memory.
“Anthony disposed of the condoms, reached into his messenger bag to check his alarm on his mobile before putting it on the side table … spooned up behind me … “ Try as he might, he couldn’t account for the small vibrator after his orgasm. He shifted as another tiny ache made itself known inside him and his eyes went wide. He lurched off the bed with new energy, frantically looking again all over for the vibrator, a persistent ache in his arse urging him on. He finally finished another search and stood in the middle of the room, shifting from foot to foot with a wince, biting the knuckle of his forefinger. “Fuck.”
“Ana, he was absolutely adorable. Soft blonde hair, plush kissing lips, and an arse that I-”
“Oh. My. God. Crowley. Stahp.” Anathema Device looked up at the doctor, eyes wide and incredulous behind her glasses. “It was a yes or no question.”
“One that I was so insulted by that you are going to be treated to a play by play all day.” Crowley’s head jiggled and he affected his nurse’s accent. “‘Did you use protection?’ No, Ana. I’m a medical professional in an urgent care clinic that routinely provides protection and care to sex workers and don’t know the basics about sexual health. You’re damn right I’m going to torture you today.”
Ana’s head thunked on the desk. “Alright, I’m sorry. I was on auto-pilot.”
Crowley scoffed before mumbling, “Fine.”
“Excuse me, sorry, don’t like to interrupt, but you’ve got a patient.” Newt, one of the receptionists, poked his head into the office that Crowley and Ana had been arguing in. He handed over the new patient file and Ana looked it over.
“Well, glad you’re smarter than this guy. Lost sex toy.” Ana stood and left the room to do the intake and Crowley deflated a bit.
Lost sex toys weren’t exactly uncommon. Hell, people lost more than just sex toys if he were honest, but it was always a little disappointing. So many people bought toys but didn’t understand how to use them properly, and then ended up injuring themselves. But at least sex toys were intended for those types of uses. It was the people who came in with decidedly non-sexually designed items lost that worried him most.
Dr Crowley sauntered out into the hall with a small smile remembering the shy smile on his partner the previous evening when he’d asked if he had any toys. Aziraphale had been both surprised at the question and then very eager to have it brought into play. Crowley shook his sleeve to check his watch, he would be able to call him in just a couple hours. Ana came out of the exam room and met him at the end of the hall to hand over the file.
“He’s a bit skittish, just a warning.”
Crowley took the file without opening it. “Skittish how? Are we talking a teenager afraid we’ll call home, or assault victim?”
“No, nothing like that. He’s … prissy. And embarrassed. He must have repeated that this had never happened before about ten times in the space of ninety seconds.”
Crowley nodded. “Got it. Stay close, just in case.”
Ana followed him back to the exam room, pausing to wait outside until called in. Crowley knocked on the door and opened it.
“Anthony?!” Crowley’s eyes snapped up in shock.
“Aziraphale?!” Crowley looked over to Ana, who stared back at him. “No assist, Ana.”
Crowley closed the door behind him and tossed the file on the counter before sitting down heavily. “Er … “
“Oh my goodness, this is … I am so sorry, I had no idea. I can leave.” Aziraphale was wringing his hands and he shuffled his feet in a way that Crowley recognised as preparing to bolt.
“No, stop. Look, whatever happened last night, I’m still a doctor, alright? What happened, let me help.” Crowley rolled his chair to block the door, just in case. “Have a seat, tell me what’s going on.”
“But- I- … oh bother.” Aziraphale had backed away from the door, but still looked ready to run at the drop of a hat.
“Look, pretend you don’t know me, alright? I’m just a random doctor. You came in saying lost sex toy, yeah? Please let me help.”
All of the tension dropped out of Aziraphale’s posture at once, his face going pink. His eyes closed and his brows drew in the middle. “Yes, the- the item that we- that you- … “
Crowley remembered, little pink bullet. “I remember. Did you use it again this morning?”
Aziraphale’s eyes opened with a very pissy glare and his voice dropped to a whispering hiss. “I did not. I was trying to clean up from last night when I realised that it was missing and that I was considerably more sore than I am used to being following penetrative sex. I can only conclude that it slipped near the end of our activities.”
Crowley blinked in surprise. This was new. He’d never made that mistake in the past, but … he supposed it wasn't completely unheard of? He felt his own face grow warm as Aziraphale glared. “Alright. I’ve never had that happen to me before. But! But, I won’t argue since it isn’t impossible.” Crowley interrupted himself, seeing Aziraphale puff up indignantly. “Let’s get it fixed, alright? Tonight, I’ll take you to dinner and apologise properly, I promise.”
Aziraphale muttered under his breath and allowed Crowley to direct him into undressing and lying on the exam table on his side.
Crowley started the exam as gently as possible, but he wasn’t able to feel anything. He continued probing, stretching as far as his fingers could reach with no success. “Aziraphale, can you still feel it?”
Aziraphale sighed. “I don’t know. Don’t let this go to your head, but you’re rather better endowed than I have experience with. I’d initially just assumed that was the cause of my discomfort this morning.”
“Until you were unable to find the vibrator. Got it.” Crowley really tried to not let it go to his head, but he was a healthy man and liked his size being praised just as much as anyone would. He pulled his fingers out and tossed the glove in the bin. “Ok, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to bring you down to X-ray. I can't feel it, and I don’t want to make anything worse by just digging around.”
He handed Aziraphale a gown and then popped his head into the hall. Ana was still waiting, leaning against the wall. “I need a chair, and let Beez know we’re on our way down for a pelvic.”
Crowley and Aziraphale were sitting in the exam room, sharing somewhat awkward conversation, when Ana knocked on the door announcing she had the films. He took them from her and dimmed the lights before sliding the films out of the sleeve.
He double checked each one before popping his head back out. “Ana, you’re sure these are Aziraphale’s films?”
“One hundred percent, no one else has been down to X-ray today.”
“Right.” He closed the door again and checked them again a third time. “Aziraphale, it’s not here.”
“What? What do you mean, it’s not here?” Crowley stepped to the side and popped the films on the light board, flicking it on. He’d requested two angles, and sure enough, both films showed a lovely pelvis, healthy spine, femurs, and ball-and-sockets … but no foreign material at all. “Well, that’s just not possible.”
Crowley asked Aziraphale again to describe the actual symptoms he was experiencing, and now that he had physical proof, he was able to hear the genuine complaint instead of the fear. He let Aziraphale finish before gently explaining. “I hear you. But I’d like to offer an alternative. You said that, and I’m not fishing for compliments, that I’m more than you’re used to?”
Aziraphale reddened. “Yes, both in person, and in toy-form.”
“Ok. Keep in mind this is all approximate, but … ” Crowley stood and went to the light box, pulling a white pencil from a box and beginning to make small marks on the film. “So, this is where your actual buttock cheek is, versus approximately where your anal opening is. Here is about where the rectum ends. Now, here is about where an average penis will reach. … Here, on the other hand … is roughly where I would reach.”
Aziraphale watched the rudimentary sexual anatomy lesson with skepticism. However, having it laid out so plainly, combined with the indisputable visual evidence that there was nothing lodged inside his body, he had to admit that it made sense. “This is so humiliating.”
Crowley sat carefully and rolled closer, putting his hand on Aziraphale’s knee. “It’s unusual for sure. But don’t be too embarrassed.”
“I am so sorry. To think I was accusing you of improperly … Anthony, can you please forgive me?” Aziraphale had a special blend of emotions on his face.
“No harm done, Aziraphale. I mean that.” Aziraphale covered his hand with his and gave it a squeeze. “I’m just glad that you’re alright.”
Aziraphale sighed heavily and nodded. Crowley squeezed his knee and gave Aziraphale a hopeful grin, which was weakly reciprocated. He patted Aziraphale’s knee and then stood to wipe the X-ray film clean of his marks. He heard Aziraphale getting dressed behind him, waiting until he finished before turning back around.
“Am- am I still welcome to call you? I’d actually been thinking ‘bout you all morning.” Crowley leaned a hip against the counter.
“I would like that very much, Anthony.” Aziraphale took a step closer and Crowley hesitantly opened his arms, offering a hug. He was pleased as punch when Aziraphale accepted the offer, wrapping his arms around Crowley’s waist. “I am sorry, Anthony.”
“None of that. Was bad enough for you thinking it had happened, let alone unintentionally finding me when you went looking for help.” Aziraphale nodded. “Tell you what. I’m done today at about four. I’ll grab a takeaway and come help you search.”
Aziraphale leaned back to look Crowley in the face, a beautiful smile lighting up his features. “Really?”
“Yup.” He leaned in and kissed Aziraphale’s forehead. “Allergies?”
“None, I can eat almost anything.”
“Almost?” Crowley’s eyebrow curved in curiosity.
“Well, before coming out, I did try the heteronormative thing and I was told by my girlfriend at the time that I was utterly useless at eating-”
Crowley’s head smacked the cabinet behind him as he let out a loud cackle, drowning out Aziraphale’s voice. Crowley looked back down and Aziraphale’s nose was scrunched as he honest-to-God giggled in Crowley’s arms.
Crowley finally escorted Aziraphale back to reception and had him discharged, no treatment or follow-up needed. He watched as Aziraphale got into an uber and waved as he was whisked away. Sighing, he went back into the office where he knew Ana would be waiting.
“So, Dr ‘I’m a medical professional who knows sexual safety’, how’s that working out for you.” Ana looked smug so Crowley tossed Aziraphale’s file at her.
“Perfectly fine. There was no lost toy, it was a misunderstanding.”
Ana looked through the file with disbelief, finally checking the films as well. “How on Earth did he accidentally think he had a vibrator …?!”
“I won’t get into specifics, but I will simply say that … I am a well endowed man.” Crowley reached down into his bag.
“I didn’t need to know that, but what would that have to do with- Oh. OH. Oh God.” Ana closed the file and slid the films back in the sleeve before putting them on Crowley’s desk. She stood and walked out mumbling something about strong coffee.
Crowley smirked at her increasingly horrified ‘TMI’ faces as he fumbled around for his mobile. He finally looked down as his hand hit something he didn’t recognise. “What the hell … Oh.”
Looking at the bright pink bullet vibrator in his bag, he suddenly remembered it being in his hand when he reached for his phone the previous night. He’d been half asleep, sexhausted, only wanting to make sure his alarm was set for the morning. He must have just traded the bullet for his mobile without noticing. He shook his head, chuckling.
Crowley sent off a quick text. “Mystery solved, I’ll explain over dinner.”