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Aziraphale knocked on the door of 6C, looking down with a kind smile at the older woman who answered the door. “Hello, my name is Aziraphale Fell, you dialed emergency services for your neighbour, I believe?”
Aziraphale held up his satchel, emblazoned with the recognisable symbol for paramedics and the woman looked relieved. “Yes, thank you. We share a wet-wall, and I heard that he was showering, but then there was a … a screech and a thud. Now the shower is still going, but it’s been quite a while now.”
“Good to know, I appreciate it. Which neighbour, and do you know his name?” Aziraphale asked patiently, offering a reassuring smile.
“Anthony Crowley, 6E.” She pointed to the next door down the hall. “Lovely boy. Took care of my plants when I went on holiday.”
“Thank you, ma’am. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go and check.” Aziraphale called down to his partner and reported that the call was likely a bathtub fall, and he would let him know if it was more serious than that.
Aziraphale went to 6E and knocked firmly. There was no answer, but he hadn’t expected one. On a whim, he checked the knob and rolled his eyes at the foolishness of finding an unlocked door. Then again, this was a high end neighborhood, unlikely to have much of an unsavory element roaming about. He called out his entry as he stepped inside.
“Hello? Mr Anthony Crowley? Paramedics entering your flat.” Aziraphale moved through the spartan space, heading to the sound of the shower. “Anthony Crowley? I’m entering your bedroom and coming toward your shower.”
Despite the neighbour’s calling him a ‘lovely boy’, Aziraphale was confident he was going to come in on an older man, likely closer in age to the woman who’d called in the first place. And if that were the case, he was not looking forward to calling in a gent passed on in the bath. He was therefore surprised to see a shock of red hair on top of the man’s head.
The man was indeed unconscious, but Aziraphale could hear the water snuffling around his nose and mouth. He reached and tested the water temperature, noting the lack of steam, and found it stone cold. He turned it off and then knelt next to the tub to assess the situation. Just to be official, he pressed his fingers to the side of the man’s neck. He felt a strong, slow pulse, and nodded to himself before turning to his bag and pulling out a pair of gloves.
Aziraphale first noted the lack of blood, and following that, the man’s youth. He’d been expecting someone older, but Mr Crowley appeared closer to his own age. A fall in the bath was common enough, and not age-dependent, but it was unusual for younger people to have the issue.
Aziraphale chuckled at himself. “Younger. Mid-forties isn’t exactly young anymore, old chap.”
He continued his assessment when he became aware of an odd sound. Like a deep, rumbly sound. He peered around the room, thinking perhaps a vibrating alarm on a phone was going off, but the two phones in the vicinity, his own and Mr Crowley’s on the sink, were dark and silent. He held still a moment when he realised it was definitely coming from Mr Crowley, and he blinked as he suddenly noticed a flash of bright purple, barely visible under the curve of his bottom.
“Oh dear … “ Aziraphale began trying to wake Mr Crowley, calling out to him and patting his cheeks. If he could help it, he didn’t want to call down for a gurney with the gent in this situation. He was relieved when there was movement and some unhappy moans from his patient and he doubled his efforts to rouse him. “Mr Crowley, if you could wake up please?”
He fully gasped as Mr Crowley’s eyes opened, a bright yellow gold color that he’d never seen before rolled in the socket and landed on him. “Eurghbmfuh?”
“Indeed. My name is Aziraphale Fell, I’m a paramedic. Your neighbour called after hearing you fall. Don’t move just yet, I’ve not finished my initial assessment. However, I needed you able to respond.”
“Wyundat?” Aziraphale was luckily quite fluent in ‘barely conscious’.
“I needed that because … well, as delicately as I can put it, I didn’t think you’d want to be taken to the hospital with anything sticking from your fundament. And I felt it important to receive your consent before removing it myself.”
“Funamnt?”
Aziraphale sighed, but there was nothing for it, as swimmy as Mr Crowley appeared at the moment. “You’ve got something sticking out of your arse, Mr Crowley.”
The yellow gold eye went wide and rolled downwards, as though he were looking for proof of what Aziraphale was saying. “Err … ycangtit.”
“Oh! Oh, yes, right. Just erm, just hold still, my dear boy.” Aziraphale felt his cheeks go a bit warm as Mr Crowley’s eye closed. He somehow had truly not been expecting that. “Is there, er, is there anything I should know before I begin?”
Mr Crowley’s head shook in the thin layer of water on the bottom of the tub that hadn’t drained. Aziraphale took a deep breath and placed a hand on Mr Crowley’s hip, rolling him slightly. “You’ll please tell me if you notice any other injuries I am making worse.”
There was a sound of agreement as Mr Crowley’s rump came more fully into view. The first thing that Aziraphale saw was the curve of a suction cup that had a split in it. He took hold of it gently and after only a wiggle or two, the rest of the sexual novelty slid smoothly out of Mr Crowley. There was a grunt and then a sigh from Mr Crowley, and Aziraphale set the frankly impressive purple dildo to the side. He paused and noticed that the sound hadn’t stopped.
“Mr Crowley, do you happen to know where that sound is coming from?”
A bright gold eye opened and fixed on his face again as Mr Crowley slowly nodded. He shifted as though to sit up and Aziraphale reached to lend support. Mr Crowley stilled before allowing Aziraphale to assist him. Once he was rolled over, Aziraphale came face to face with the source of the buzzing.
“Oh! I’m terribly sorry, Mr Crowley.” Aziraphale averted his eyes from the vibrating sexual aid attached to Mr Crowley’s front as Mr Crowley’s fingers grasped at it. He heard the vibration stop, but distressed grunting followed. “Are you alright?”
“Er, s’at a trick question?” Aziraphale peeked at Mr Crowley’s face and saw genuine confusion. Mr Crowley chuckled incredulously. “I mean, I can think of any number of things about this that aren’t ok. But, the most pressing problem is that I appear to be stuck.”
Aziraphale turned back to witness Mr Crowley pulling on the no longer vibrating sleeve with no discernible difference. “Oh, oh I see. Er, well, I assume you’ve been thinking un-arousing thoughts?”
“Not easy with you around.” Aziraphale was sure he’d misheard the mumble. Mr Crowley raised his voice. “But yeah, I’m not thinking sexy, so … I mean, this is a suction thing, so … I mean, you read about people with their prick stuck in a vacuum, it swells up. Maybe?”
Mr Crowley looked at Aziraphale hopefully. Aziraphale‘s lips twisted a bit and he nibbled on the corner thoughtfully. “That could be the case. If you weren’t in control of the device, and it was left to continue, er, functioning, unimpeded. Are you in any pain?”
“It doesn’t feel great. But I wouldn’t call it pain.” Mr Crowley was still trying to move the device.
“Alright, well, even if there is swelling, it is still a sexual device, not a vacuum. So, there is bound to be a way to loosen it.” Aziraphale sat back on a heel and compartmentalised, looking at Mr Crowley, and the situation, objectively. “If you don’t mind, stop fiddling with it for a moment, I’m afraid you’ll damage something if you pull the wrong way while it is so firmly stuck.”
He brought his bag closer and looked through it. The lubricating gel jumped out at him and he pulled it out. Aziraphale gave Mr Crowley a thoughtful look. “I assume you used some lubrication, but the water portion has likely evaporated by now, especially with the vibration aspect running for so long. Perhaps …?”
Mr Crowley looked at the tube, down to his lap, up into Aziraphale’s eyes, and then back to the tube again. He held out his hand. Aziraphale dropped a healthy squirt into Mr Crowley’s palm.
“If I can suggest, use a single finger around all around the edge first, wiggle it in and just go a little deeper which each pass.” Aziraphale watched as Mr Crowley followed his instructions and called down to his partner to let him know that there would be no need for the gurney, and no need to come up.
It was an awkwardly quiet five minutes of watching the lube slowly get fingered into the device before there was finally movement hinting that it was going to come loose. Mr Crowley looked up at Aziraphale with a brilliant smile of triumph and then went back to work for another few minutes before the device finally slid off with a sharp pop.
“Wa-hey!” Mr Crowley tossed the sleeve to the side happily before a realisation hit his eyes. He bent over, cupping himself with a groan. “Oh f-f-f-fuck.”
“Oh! Just a moment.” Aziraphale stood and strode to the kitchen, opening the freezer and pulling out a bag of frozen veg. He grabbed a dishtowel and went back to the shower, wrapping the veg. He grabbed a dressing gown off a hook and pulled Mr Crowley to his feet gently. He wrapped him in the dressing gown and slowly brought him into the bedroom to sit on the bed, placing the veg in his lap. “Here, this will help. I’d like to check your head, please?”
Mr Crowley nodded and Aziraphale went back to get his bag from the floor. He checked over the bump of Mr Crowley’s head; there was no blood, just a solid goose-egg. He checked Mr Crowley’s pupils, and other responses before nodding confidently. “I don’t see anything to be concerned about, you don’t appear concussed. How’s your bottom?”
Mr Crowley looked up with a small grin. “S’okay. Nothing I’m not ok with, y’know?”
Aziraphale smiled and nodded, pulling his fingers through his short, blonde curls. “Understood, Mr Crowley.”
Aziraphale moved away and began to repack his emergency bag. “If you do find that you’d like to get a more comprehensive examination, you can of course either visit the A&E or make an appointment with your personal physician. That would be to your personal preference.”
Mr Crowley stood carefully, straightening himself slowly, wincing a bit as his lap pulled flat. “I think I’ll stick with the ice for the time being.” He shook out his legs a bit as he gingerly moved around the bedroom before heading to another room.
“I understand that as well.” Aziraphale followed him into the office. “Was there anything else I could do for you before I leave, Mr Crowley?”
“Yeah, actually.” Mr Crowley finished scribbling on a sheet of paper and handed it to Aziraphale. “If you’re single, and were maybe interested, you could call me? Maybe go out to dinner sometime?”
Aziraphale took the paper from him and read it, before looking up with a smile. “I’d like that, Mr Crowley.”
“Brilliant. Drop the ‘Mister’ bit, just Crowley. Anytime you want.” Crowley grinned as they walked to the door and Aziraphale bid him a safe evening.
Aziraphale made it to the lift and texted Crowley as he descended.
I’m free for dinner tomorrow evening, if you are?
You bet I am, anywhere you want to go.