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Eddie had to admit, Buck had almost had him for a second there.
After he’d caught the guy hiding behind the curtains, he’d been more than a little concerned, but then today had happened, and it had been like whiplash. Suddenly Buck seemed completely fine, his smile easy and relaxed, the spark back in his eyes as he joked with him and Chris. It was like he was a completely different person, and it had been suspicious. But halfway through dinner… well, maybe Eddie had started to doubt himself. Maybe Buck really was fine, and Eddie was reading into things too much. There’d never really been a problem Buck had that he or Maddie couldn’t fix by throwing a child at him, and now that Buck had let him and Christopher in, he did seem better. And although Eddie had never been very good at reading people, he did like to think he was good at reading Buck, and so when he pulled Buck aside in the kitchen only for the other man to assure him that he was alright, Eddie nearly believed him.
But then those damn words came out of his mouth. “I was worried the man I knew didn’t make it out of New Mexico.”
And the illusion shattered. Buck’s expression dropped at the words. It was like Eddie had landed a physical blow upon him: he blinked, taking a step back, ducking his chin in towards his chest. It was like watching someone pull the shutters closed on their own soul. Buck swayed in his spot, swallowing hard, and then suddenly that damn smile was back on his face, the one that a moment ago Eddie had found so convincing.
Before Eddie could even process that, though, Chris had interrupted his thoughts by saying, “These taste great!” and Eddie had whirled around to see him with a long line of macaroons in front of him.
“Hey,” he warned, “do not eat those cookies before dinner.”
“Technically speaking, it’s a sandwich,” Buck interjected, sounding as chipper as ever.
Eddie wanted to scream at him, to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he just let him help, but he couldn’t do that with Christopher there. No, instead, he opened his big dumb mouth and said, “Please don’t encourage him,” with a slight whine in his voice.
Chris, probably just to spite him, took another bite of his macaroon.
“Hey, hey!” Eddie said, batting at the thing. Chris nearly dropped it but managed to save it, laughing and then shoving the entire thing in his mouth. Buck laughed, and if Eddie hadn’t just seen what he’d seen in the kitchen, it would have been a magical sound.
Instead, now it was flat and hollow and wrong. Eddie couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed it before. He felt like a fraud of a best friend.
“Let’s eat,” Buck suggested, and Eddie nodded.
“Yeah, let’s,” he said. Silently, he seethed and worried all at the same time. He was already thinking of what he would say later, when he and Buck were alone.
* * * * *
After dinner, Eddie brought Christopher home. As he pulled into the driveway he asked, “Do you have your keys?” and Chris looked over to him in confusion, nodding.
“Yeah, why? Are you not getting out?”
Eddie shook his head. “I’m going back to Buck’s.”
“But we were just there,” Chris said. “And why can’t I come with?”
Sighing, Eddie tapped his fingers against the steering wheel impatiently. He knew he owed it to Chris to explain this to him, but he wanted to talk to Buck as soon as he could. “I think… me and Buck need to talk, just the two of us.”
Chris frowned at this, still not getting out of the car. After a moment, he asked, “Is Buck okay?”
Eddie sighed again, this time letting his head fall forward. He cursed God for giving him such an observant kid. “No, mijo, I don’t think he is.”
“Then I want to help!” Chris objected stubbornly.
“Chris, I love you, and so does Buck, but I think this is one conversation we need to have alone,” Eddie said. Chris’ face screwed up, clearly upset, and Eddie tried to placate him. “I don’t think Buck is in a good place right now, and I don’t think he wants you to see him like that. Can you give him that?”
Chris seemed to think about it for a moment. Finally, he bit his lip and put his hand on the door. “Okay,” he grumbled, clearly upset about it. “But you have to tell me how it goes.”
“I will,” Eddie promised, even though that really depended on how it all went. If something happened that Buck didn’t want Chris to know about, then it would stay between them.
Chris got out of the car and Eddie waited for him to get inside before driving away. The drive back to Buck’s was nerve wracking. He tried to think of something to say, some way to start this one-man intervention, but he couldn’t think of anything. He just made himself sick with anticipation; by the time he was pulling up to the curb, his thoughts were whirling, running away from him.
Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm himself as he got out of his car and locked it. He could swear he saw the curtains move, and he immediately looked toward the door, expecting it to open for him.
It didn’t.
Eddie marched up the steps and knocked on the door. “Hey, Buck, it’s me!” he said. “I… uh… forgot something!” It was a terrible lie, but Eddie had realized belatedly that he probably needed to explain his presence, or Buck would be suspicious.
Buck, although he was very obviously home, did not answer the door.
Eddie knocked on the door again, harder this time. “Buck!” he shouted. “It’s Eddie, open up!”
Nothing.
Sighing, Eddie checked his watch and then counted to sixty in his head. At the end of the minute, Buck still hadn’t opened up, so Eddie huffed and reached into his pocket to grab his key ring. It wasn’t something he would’ve done with Chris around, because he was sort of afraid of what he’d find, but now that he was alone he had no problems being audacious and letting himself into Buck’s place.
He opened the door and was immediately surprised by how dark it was. He squinted into the dim light, turning his head, and then jumped sideways into the open door when he noticed Buck standing halfway down the hall, just next to the crack in the curtains. He was staring back at Eddie, his shoulders hunched inward, a cornered expression on his face.
“Buck,” Eddie said, unable to think of anything else to say.
“Eddie,” Buck said back, his voice hoarse and weak. “You… heh. I didn’t expect you to open the door.” He chuckled lightly to himself in a very un-Buck-like manner, then gave Eddie a slightly dopey smile. “I should be mad at you.”
Eddie frowned. “What- should be? What do you mean?”
Buck shrugged his shoulders, that lopsided grin growing even more. There was something in the back of Eddie’s mind that was buzzing, whispering to him that something was wrong, but he couldn’t place what it was. Buck was acting strange in a way Eddie had never witnessed before. “I don’t want to say.”
Crossing his arms, Eddie said, “Well whatever it is, you seem to find it funny.”
Buck snorted. “Not funny. I just don’t care.”
This was a confusing answer that left Eddie with even more questions. “You… what?”
Buck grinned at him, slow and lazy, and swayed in place. His posture was relaxed and loose. “I don’t care, Eddie.” He laughed a little, light and disbelieving, and then repeated himself. “I don’t care!”
“Why don’t you care?” Eddie asked. “And why were you standing by the window letting me sit outside like an idiot? Were you not going to let me in?”
Buck shrunk in on himself, biting the inside of his cheek. “I… probably not,” he admitted, and Eddie frowned.
“Why not, Buck?”
“I don’t want to say.”
Eddie groaned, opening his mouth to say something else, when all at once he noticed that damn smile making its way back onto Buck’s face. It was the kind of smile that fought its way onto your face, that kind that slipped through a carefully crafted mask and cracked it open like porcelain. It was the kind of smile you tried to suppress, the kind that was forbidden. The kind that…
And suddenly Eddie realized.
“Holy shit, are you high?” he asked, and when Buck froze, that damn smile only wobbling until a peal of hysterical laughter bubbled out of him, Eddie’s stomach sank.
“Buck, what the hell?” he asked, and he immediately moved further into the house, searching for… well, he wasn’t sure. “What did you take?”
Buck huffed, sounding the least easy-going he had since Eddie arrived. “Relax, Eddie, it’s not like I’m gonna die. It’s just enough to make things go away.”
“Things,” Eddie echoed, his voice breaking. He frantically scanned the coffee table, the couch, the shelves. The dining room table. Nothing. “How- how long has this been going on?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Buck said for the umpteenth time, and Eddie whirled on him.
“No, and you never do, do you!” he shouted, suddenly furious. How could Buck not talk to him? All Eddie wanted to do was help, all he’d ever done was show Buck he wanted to help, and for some reason Buck felt like instead of being able to confide in him, he needed to turn to drugs? “God, Buck, just- what the hell, man? You don’t need to do this to yourself! Just talk to me!”
“But I don’t want to talk about it!” Buck shot back, distress and anger clawing their way to the forefront of his drugged mind. He took a step back, his features contorting into a deep, almost cartoonishly childish frown. “I- I don’t want to think about it, or feel anything about it, I just- I want it all to stop.” His arms came up so that he was hugging himself and all at once it was like he couldn’t look at Eddie, his eyes going to the floor.
The words I want it all to stop echoed in Eddie’s mind, chilling his blood into an icy sludge. “Buck…”
Buck pressed his lips together in a thin line. “I think… once I’m sober, I’m gonna be really mad at you, Eddie.”
Eddie huffed and crossed his arms. “Well I’m mad at you right now. I can’t believe you would do something like this! At least tell me you’re getting whatever it is legally.”
Rolling his eyes, Buck said, “Yes, Sir, I’m getting my drugs legally. Doctor approved and everything.” He laughed, careless and bitter. “Did you know, they’ll give you practically anything if you tell them you get panic attacks?”
“Do you?” Eddie asked with a frown. “Get panic attacks?”
Buck laughed yet again. “Do I?” he asked. “Eddie, the only reason I’m not having one right now is because I’m high off my ass.”
Eddie realized this was a side of Buck he did not like. There were not many of those.
“Have you been taking this shit at work?” Eddie asked him, and Buck looked down at his feet.
“It’s fine in small doses,” he defended himself.
A chill ran up Eddie’s spine. “When- when Chris was here?”
Buck’s head shot up. “No!” he said, the first real hint of panic tinging his voice. “No, I- I made sure it wasn’t… I would never.”
“So you’d put yourself and everyone at the firehouse at risk, including the civilians on our calls, but you draw the line at our son. Got it,” Eddie said flatly. He didn’t even notice his Freudian slip.
Neither did Buck. “I’m not putting people at risk!” he promised. “Seriously, Eddie, it’s fine in small doses!”
Eddie scoffed. “You sound like an addict.”
It was a low blow and they both knew it.
But it was also, just maybe, a little bit true.
“I’m not…” Buck started to say, but he couldn’t seem to finish the sentence. Now that it was all out in the open, he couldn’t seem to bring himself to complete the lie. “I could stop if I wanted. It’s not like my body needs it.”
“But does your mind?” Eddie asked him, taking a step forward. “Dependency can be just as dangerous as addiction.”
“You sound like my therapist,” Buck scowled, and Eddie raised an eyebrow.
“Good, that means I’m right.” He sighed and took another step forward, grateful when Buck did not flinch away. “Buck, you- seriously, I don’t understand why you’re doing this to yourself.”
Buck scuffed his socked feet against the floor, looking anywhere but Eddie. “Because you were right,” he whispered, so quietly that Eddie almost didn’t hear him. He leaned forward into Buck’s personal space, tilting his head so that he could understand. “The man you knew… he didn’t come back from New Mexico.”
Eddie’s heart shattered. “Buck…”
Angrily, Buck threw his hands in the air. “It was a day!” he yelled, all at once furious. “It was a fucking day! I shouldn’t be so- like this! God, it’s like… every time I close my eyes, every time I blink she’s there, staring at me, holding out that fucking cattle prod and demanding I be Derek for her. I’m not Derek! I know that!”
He said it like he was trying to convince himself. “I know you know,” Eddie said placatingly. He bravely ignored the implications about the cattle prod, guessing that bringing it up would only panic Buck further. “But Buck, just because the old you isn’t here right now, that doesn’t mean he’s lost. We can go and find him, together, when you’re ready.”
Buck stared at him, slack-jawed. “It can’t be that simple.”
Eddie grimaced. “It’s not as simple as getting high, either. Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to come down.”
Buck shook his head, tears pooling in his eyes. “I don’t want to,” he said, his voice growing thick and watery. “I don’t- I don’t want to.”
“I know,” Eddie sighed, and he took one more step forward, holding out his arms for his best friend. He let go of all the anger and betrayal and concern he was feeling and focused on being a rock instead, focused on being what Buck needed in the moment. They could deal with their big emotions later - right now he just needed to convince Buck to come back to reality.
But Eddie knew it wasn’t going to be as easy as one conversation. If he’d learned anything from Bobby, it’s that it never was.
Buck allowed Eddie to wrap his arms around him, pressing his face into his shoulder. “I don’t want to,” he said again, insistent and pleading. Eddie was sure that if Buck wasn’t so high, he’d definitely be sobbing by now. But the drugs had made him close to numb, all emotions dulled and suppressed. What Buck was giving him right now was only the barest hint of what he was really feeling.
“I’m sorry, but you have to,” Eddie told Buck. “I’m asking you to.”
Buck sniffled. “Why should it matter that you’re asking?” He sounded petulant and stubborn.
Eddie’s brow furrowed and he leaned back, placing his hands on Buck’s shoulders as he held him a short distance away. “...Doesn’t it?” he asked hopefully.
He knew… he knew he and Buck weren’t together. But God, sometimes it felt like it. Sometimes it felt like that’s where this was all heading, when Eddie really thought about it. Buck slotted so perfectly into Eddie’s life that it was like magic, almost, and he made Eddie feel things that he never had before. Eddie knew - he wasn’t completely oblivious - that Buck felt something of the same caliber, but that neither of them had quite worked up the courage to say anything. Honestly, in moments like these, he wasn’t even sure Buck realized what they had, what they were working towards. He sure acted like it sometimes, though.
Buck’s shoulders slumped. “I do… I want to try. For you. But I- I can’t just stop now, it’s… I’ll panic.”
Eddie shook his head. “I have an idea. Why don’t we wait for whatever you’re on to fade, and I’ll be right here with you the whole time. And we can see how that goes.”
Eyeing Eddie nervously, Buck picked at the hem of his t-shirt. “I…”
“You’re not allowed to say no,” Eddie told him.
Buck breathed out through his nose in some approximation of a laugh. “Okay, then. Fine. But if I panic, I get to take another one.”
Eddie only said yes because if Buck took another while he was there, then he could see where he was keeping them. “Fine,” he gritted out, unable to stand the way Buck was already itching to get high again.
How long had this been going on? How long had Eddie been missing this?
“But you know I have to tell Chim about you using,” Eddie said softly, and Buck’s eyes widened.
“Eddie no, you can’t, he’ll-”
“Kick you off the team?” Eddie finished, raising his eyebrows. “So you are aware of the consequences.”
Buck scoffed. “I’m not an idiot.”
“You could’ve fooled me,” Eddie shot back, instantly regretting it when Buck reeled back, blinking at him in surprise. His frown deepened and he looked away, shrugging Eddie’s hands off his shoulders.
Eddie’s heart ached.
He sighed. “Okay, that was too far,” he admitted apologetically. “I just… I’m worried about you, Buck. So is Chris.”
Buck shifted his weight between his feet. “I’m worried about me too,” he muttered, and maybe he was only being so honest because of the drugs, but Eddie was grateful that he’d said it.
“That’s the first step,” Eddie told him seriously. “You have to admit you have a problem.”
Frowning, Buck looked up at him. “Are you quoting ‘AA’ at me?”
“You have to admit, the shoe sort of fits,” Eddie said, and Buck winced.
“Yeah, I guess.” He glanced back down at his feet, then huffed out a little puff of laughter. “If only Bobby could see me now, huh?”
Eddie’s stomach clenched. Oh god, what could he possibly say to not fuck this up? “I think Bobby would be proud of you for surviving,” Eddie told him slowly. “And I don’t think he, of all people, would judge you for how you decide to cope.”
Buck’s smile wavered. “No, probably not.”
Neither of them said anything for a moment. Then, quietly, Buck admitted, “I wish he was here right now.”
“Me too,” Eddie said, just as quiet.
“I wish he was here all the time,” Buck said. “I- I miss him so much. I’m not really sure I know who- who I am without him.”
Eddie looked over at Buck then, noticing his expression was one of shock and surprise, as if he hadn’t expected to say such a thing out loud.
“Buck?” he asked. In the shadows of light that seeped through the cracks in the curtains, Eddie could see Buck beginning to tremble.
“That…” Buck breathed. “The only other person I ever told that to was Bonnie.”
Eddie pressed his lips together in a thin line. He had no idea how to respond to that. “Oh.”
Buck sniffled. “I don’t know why I told her. Maybe ‘cause I thought I was going to die. Maybe because I thought she’d understand. But it’s true. I don’t… a part of me died in that desert, Eddie, but a part of me died in that lab, too. A part of me got buried with Bobby.”
It was as if Buck had reached into Eddie’s chest and ripped out his heart. It was the single most heartbreaking thing Eddie had ever had someone say to him. But at the same time, Eddie was elated. Buck was opening up. Buck was talking to him about what had happened.
“There are still parts of you left, though,” Eddie suggested gently. "And I think if you tried, you could rearrange them into a new Buck. One that uses healthy coping mechanisms and opens up to his friends.”
Buck cracked a smile at that. “Yeah, okay,” he said. “Okay. We can try that.”
And Eddie knew that it was going to be an uphill battle. He knew there were going to be good days and bad days, that sometimes it would be one step forwards and then two back again. But he was okay with that. If Buck needed him to go on this journey with him, then he would be there, every step of the way. He would be there through the anger and the hurt, through lashing out and drawing back, through sadness and guilt and hopefully, eventually (God, please, let it be possible) joy. He would be there for everything Buck had to give and he would let him take what he needed from him.
So he smiled and simply said, “Okay. Good,” before slowly leading Buck to the couch to come down.