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"I'm in love with you, you know."
Eddie paused in wiping down the bench to look over at Buck, caught completely off guard by the words.
"You what?" he asked, his heart racing.
"I love you," Buck repeated, a soft smile on his face as he leant back against the fridge. "Don't worry, I'm not asking for anything. I just wanted you to know."
Knuckles turning white from where he was gripping the dish cloth, Eddie stared at Buck silently for a few moments as he processed what he'd been told. Buck lowered his gaze shyly, smiling down at a magnet he'd plucked off the fridge to fiddle with.
"I love you too, Buck," Eddie said after clearing his throat.
"Yeah," Buck said, keeping his eyes down. "I know."
Eddie wanted to say something else, something to reassure Buck that it was okay or to ask how long he'd known, but he didn't know how to form the words.
"I should get home," Buck said with a sigh, pushing away from the fridge and turning so he could replace the magnet. "Thanks for dinner; you're getting really good at this whole cooking thing!"
Eddie dropped the dish cloth on the bench and took a step towards Buck as the other man moved towards the doorway.
"Buck," he said, voice rough with emotion. Don't go.
"Eddie, please," Buck said quietly, his body facing him but his eyes on the table. "Don't make a thing of it, okay? I just... thought you should know."
Eddie opened his mouth to say more, but the words evaporated off his tongue. He stared, until finally Buck looked at him and gave a pained smile.
"This is enough," Buck promised with a small nod – to convince Eddie, or himself? "You're the best friend I could ever ask for. I'm so glad I met you. And it's enough. I swear."
Eddie felt like he was going to be sick. His hands had curled into fists by his sides and he could feel his nails pressing into the soft flesh of his palms. He wanted to reach out for Buck, to take his hand and smooth out the anxious lines that had formed on his skin.
But he couldn't make himself move.
"Alright, take care," Buck said awkwardly, his gaze dropping again. "I'll see you– I mean I'll... I'll call you tomorrow."
Eddie tried to make his mouth form the single word 'bye', but nothing came out. So he just stood there, staring, as Buck turned and walked out of his house.
In the empty silence after he heard his front door open and close, Eddie sank down onto one of his kitchen chairs and buried his face in his hands. Not knowing exactly why, but not being able to stop it, he cried.
Breakfast the next day was subdued. Eddie had struggled to go to sleep last night, Buck's words going round and round his head for hours and his gut getting all twisted up in knots. He had tried telling himself that nothing had to change, that it didn't matter if Buck was in love with him because they were still going to be best friends.
But every time he thought along those lines, he wanted to throw up.
Sitting across from him at the table, Chris paused with his spoon in his bowl to squint over at his father. Eddie had been staring motionless at his cereal for five minutes.
"Dad," Chris said. "Is something wrong?"
Eddie took a deep breath and looked up, pulled out of his thoughts.
"Sorry," he said with a half-hearted smile. "Just tired." Chris didn't look entirely convinced, so Eddie tried to change the subject. "What do you wanna do today, Bud?"
"Buck said he'd take me to the planetarium," Chris said, and Eddie flinched at the mention of the man.
Thinking of the previous night, Eddie hesitantly said, "I don't know if he's still coming over today. Would it be okay if I took you instead?"
"Why wouldn't he come over?" Chris asked, now frowning. "Did something happen?"
"No," Eddie said quickly, looking down. "He's just... He might be busy. He said he'd call, so I'll ask him what his plans are then."
"But it's a Saturday." Chris continued frowning and Eddie felt hot prickles of some emotion under his skin. "He always comes over on Saturdays when you're not working."
"Well today he might be busy!" Eddie snapped, standing up and dumping his uneaten bowl of cereal in the sink. He was angry at himself for getting so riled up so easily, but any and all thoughts of Buck right now were making him tense.
With his hands on the edge of the sink and his back to his son, he added, "Why don't you play a game for a bit, okay? Or watch TV."
He waited anxiously for a reply, hoping he hadn't upset Chris in return. When no reply came, he forced himself to turn around and face whatever judgment or hurt might be in his son's eyes.
But Chris was just looking down at his bowl thoughtfully, swirling his spoon through the dregs of his cereal. He appeared to be considering something.
"Chris?" Eddie prompted.
Looking up, Chris let go of his spoon and pushed his bowl further onto the table so he could fold his arms in front of it.
"Are you mad that I asked him to tuck me in, last night?" he asked quietly.
"What? No!" Eddie shook his head forcefully. "Of course not. Why would you think that?"
"I guess I just thought he was gonna stay over," Chris admitted. "You know, like he usually does when he stays for dinner?"
Eddie didn't say anything; before Buck's confession last night, he too had assumed Buck would be crashing on his couch. Eddie had been too shocked to argue later when Buck mentioned needing to get home.
"Did you have a fight?" Chris asked, looking up with a softer, more questioning frown this time.
"No," Eddie said uncertainly. "I mean, some things were... said. But it's fine. He'll call soon and we'll work it out."
"Can you call him now?" Chris pleaded. "I was really looking forward to seeing the planetarium with him. And you always say it's better to talk about things instead of bottling them up."
Eddie's gut clenched and his throat closed up at the thought of calling Buck. What would he say? What could he say? But Chris was staring up at him with such round, hopeful eyes – how could he say no?
"I'll see if he's awake," he managed finally. "Are you done with your breakfast?"
"Yeah."
Eddie reached over and took the bowl, placing it in the sink with his own. When he turned back, Chris was still sitting there watching him. Expectant.
"Go clean your teeth," Eddie said, waving a hand to shoo Chris out of the room.
"You'll call Buck?" Chris asked suspiciously, slowly standing up.
"Yes," Eddie said, trying to ignore the way his heart sped up in his chest. "I'll call Buck."
Chris's eyes lingered on him for a moment longer before the boy finally left and went down the hall to the bathroom.
Sighing, Eddie dragged a hand over his face and tried to work up the courage to call his best friend.
It shouldn't have been this hard.
Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he spent a few moments staring at Buck's name – which took up almost the entire screen of recent calls – before stabbing at it with his thumb and holding the phone to his ear.
So Buck was in love with him. So what?
Eddie imagined Buck staring at his own phone, trying to decide whether to answer or not. Did he regret what he'd said last night, or did he-
"Hey!"
Shit. Eddie almost dropped his phone as Buck's reply came sooner than he'd expected. Buck sounded... normal.
"Hey," Eddie echoed, hoping he didn't sound as awkward as he felt.
"You're up early," Buck commented. "Is Christopher driving you nuts already? Already calling for backup?"
"Uh, no," Eddie stammered. "Uh, that is... We were just wondering if you're still coming over today."
"Only if you're okay with it," Buck said, and Eddie thought he could hear a hint of apprehension in the man's voice now. "You know, if you need more time or something..."
"I don't need more time," Eddie said defensively, then rushed on. "Anyway, Christopher's really excited to go to the planetarium with you. He's actually the reason I called. He wanted me to check it was still happening."
"Yeah, of course. If you're fine with it, I'll head over around noon."
"Okay."
They lapsed into silence and Eddie wondered why it was suddenly so hard to think of anything else to say. Should he just hang up? Should he tell Buck everything would be fine between them?
There was a quiet sigh on the other end of the line before Buck said, "You want to talk about it, don't you?"
"No," Eddie said immediately.
"Oh."
Eddie could picture Buck's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and suddenly wished they were having this conversation face to face. If they were, maybe things would be easier. Maybe Buck would be able to read what he couldn't say in his face, and they could work things out without even having to say another word.
Then again, it hadn't helped last night.
"So, we're good?" Buck asked tentatively.
"Of course we are," Eddie heard himself say. "I'll see you at noon."
Before Eddie knew it, Buck was at the door and Christopher was shrieking in excitement, talking a mile a minute as he led the man inside and gushed about all the things he wanted to see. They entered the kitchen where Eddie was packing a lunch for Chris, Buck beaming down at the boy who was gripping his hand tightly.
"He's here!" Chris announced when he finally took a break from info dumping.
Eddie kept his attention resolutely focused on the lunch box in his hands as he said, "Don't forget to grab your shoes, bud."
He regretted the instruction a second later as Chris dropped Buck's hand and shot off to go find his shoes, leaving the two of them alone in the kitchen.
Eddie still hadn't looked up. He wasn't sure why, but for some reason he was afraid of looking at Buck right now. His mind skittered away from the thought while simultaneously whispering for him to do just that. He fiddled with the zipper on the lunch box, double and triple checking that it was done up all the way and nothing would fall out.
"Are you sure you packed enough food?" Buck asked.
Instinctively, Eddie glanced up.
Buck was wearing a tight blue t-shirt which made his eyes pop and drew Eddie's attention to his bulging biceps. His hair was lightly mussed as if he hadn't bothered doing anything with it yet today, and there was something new about his birthmark – something Eddie couldn't pinpoint – which was making Eddie want to reach out and touch it.
"What?" he asked dumbly, having completely forgotten what Buck had asked.
Taking a step closer, Buck gestured at the lunch box Eddie was holding. "Is there enough food? This looks like only enough for Chris. Where's yours?"
Eddie felt pinned by Buck's gaze. Had his eyes always been this blue? And why was he standing so close? Eddie wanted to back up, to put some more distance between them, but he suddenly couldn't remember if this was normal or not.
"Eddie?" Buck prompted, frowning slightly.
"Uh, I'm not coming," Eddie stammered, needing to get it out before he changed his mind. He didn't think he would survive an entire afternoon out with Buck right now; not with his pulse racing and his gut churning and his hands sweating.
To his dismay, Buck looked devastated.
"You're not coming?"
"No," Eddie said faintly, staring down at the lunch box he was now squeezing in his hands so that he wouldn't have to meet Buck's sorrowful gaze. "I've... I've got things to do, chores and stuff. This will give me time to get them done."
He thought for sure that Buck would argue. Buck would press him, asking what was wrong and why he was behaving like this. He would demand answers, and what could Eddie tell him? He didn't know why he was acting like this!
But Buck didn't argue.
"Okay," Buck said softly. "Have you told Chris?"
"Told me what?"
Eddie looked up guiltily to find Chris standing in the doorway with his shoes on already. He felt breathless, but had barely even begun to consider what he would say to his son when Buck was crossing over to the boy and taking control of the situation.
"Your dad's gonna stay home while we go to the planetarium," Buck explained. "So it's just gonna be you and me! Fun, right?"
Chris didn't look all that excited and Eddie had a feeling his son knew a lot more than he was letting on. But thankfully, he didn't say anything about it.
"Is it okay if Buck stays for dinner again?" Chris asked instead.
Buck looked at Eddie, and Eddie felt the floor sway beneath him for a moment under his piercing blue gaze.
"We'll see," Buck said. "With you dragging me all over the place, I might be too tired to stay for dinner!"
"It's not as if we're not used to you falling asleep on the couch," Chris teased.
Buck ruffled his hair with a grin.
"Alright, are you ready to go?"
Eddie had to remind himself to let go of the lunch box when Buck reached out for it. His hands felt strangely empty without it to hold onto so he shoved them in his pockets, trying not to fidget.
Buck slipped into the caretaker role effortlessly, making sure Chris had everything he needed before ushering him out the door. Eddie was extremely grateful for the way he took control, allowing Eddie to just focus on keeping himself together.
"We'll see you when we get back," Buck said once Chris was out the door and getting into the car.
"Thank you," Eddie said quietly.
Buck hesitated, looking as though he was about to say something else, but then he just smiled and gave a nod before heading out the door as well.
Eddie cleaned his house. He vacuumed the floors, put away all the toys in Christopher's bedroom, washed the dishes and put them all away, wiped down the benches and the tops of the cupboards, and did multiple loads of laundry.
And still he couldn't stop thinking about Buck.
"I'm in love with you, you know."
He couldn't stop thinking about the way the corner of Buck's mouth had curled up in the softest of smiles while his eyes looked almost sad. The way his hands had fiddled with the fridge magnet and he said, "I'm not asking for anything."
The way Buck had simply said, "I know" when Eddie had told him he also loved him – unsurprised and maybe... disappointed?
Eddie had gone over that moment a thousand times since it had happened, dissecting every single micro expression on Buck's face and every specific word that he said.
Buck had not expected anything from Eddie. No, that wasn't quite true; Buck had expected Eddie to be flattered and then to move on. He had already convinced himself that he was in Eddie's friend-zone. After all, they were like brothers.
Except – that obviously wasn't true. Not if Buck was in love with him.
Pulling a bundle of warm towels out of the dryer, Eddie began folding them absent-mindedly while his thoughts continued to race.
Buck was in love with him.
Buck was in love with him, and Eddie was falling apart.
Because he was beginning to think he was in love with Buck, too.
When Buck's car pulled back into the driveway a few hours later, Eddie was waiting anxiously in the front room. He'd only just finished the task he'd set himself once coming to the realisation that he was in love with Buck, and now he just hoped it would be well received.
He wiped his sweaty palms on his pants and looked out the window, watching as Buck helped Chris out of the car and then grabbed a bag before heading up to the front door.
Eddie opened it before either of them could knock.
"Hey," he said, trying to sound welcoming, at ease. "Did you have fun?"
"So much fun!" Christopher exclaimed. "Buck bought me a hat!" He pointed at the blue cap he was wearing which had the planetarium's logo printed on the front.
"I may have splurged a little," Buck said apologetically from behind Chris, lifting the bag he was holding and shooting Eddie a sheepish grin. "They had so many cool books, I couldn't resist."
"You'll have to show me everything," Eddie said, resting a hand on Christopher's shoulder as he guided him inside.
He glanced back as Buck shut the front door and his heart sped up in his chest as he looked the man over, quickly taking in as much of him as he could. Buck caught his gaze and smiled, then lowered his eyes shyly to the bag he was holding.
They spent the next half an hour going over everything they'd done at the planetarium and showing Eddie all the things Buck had bought from the gift shop. Aside from the hat there were three different books on space, an astronaut night light, and a model of a space shuttle for Chris to put on his desk or bookshelf.
When Chris was finally worn out from talking about it all, he took himself to his room with his books and left Eddie and Buck in the living room together. Eddie was glad they were finally alone – and terrified.
There was a moment of awkward silence before Buck said, "So, full disclosure, I told Chris what happened last night."
"You what?" Eddie asked quickly. "Why?"
They were sitting on the couch together, the model space shuttle resting between them.
"He picked up on your behaviour," Buck said softly. "And he just wanted to know everything was alright. He thought we'd had a fight or something, so I told him... what I told you. And he was fine with it. I mean, he teased me a bit, but–"
"Buck," Eddie interrupted suddenly, putting a hand on his knee, and Buck looked up at him in surprise.
"Yeah?"
"I have something to show you." Eddie stood up and wiped his palms on his pants again. "Could you... come with me?"
Looking confused, Buck nodded and stood up as well, following as Eddie led him through the house towards his room.
Eddie felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest with how hard and fast it was pounding. Buck had already told him that he was in love with him, so why was Eddie so nervous? If anyone should be nervous, it should be Buck.
"Eddie?" Buck asked as they reached his room. "What's going on?"
Eddie looked back at his best friend and gave a small smile before walking over to his dresser and pulling open the top two drawers. Buck moved closer, looking into them.
"Uh, there's nothing here," Buck commented, eyebrows pinched in confusion.
"Yeah," Eddie agreed in a whisper. "For now."
Buck looked into his eyes and Eddie fought against the panic he was feeling, reaching out to take one of Buck's hands in his own. Buck squeezed his hand, a hopeful smile beginning to stretch across his face.
Opening his mouth, Eddie searched for the words he needed to say. His mouth had gone dry and he was tempted to yank his hand back again, but at the same time he knew he couldn't. He wanted this too much. He had to keep going.
"I wasn't sure how much room you'd need," he said finally, looking back at the open drawers. "I, uh... cleared space in my wardrobe, too."
"For me?" Buck asked cautiously.
"Yeah."
Eddie stared at the empty drawers, painfully aware of the heat of Buck's hand in his. Could Buck feel just how sweaty his own hand was? Did Buck understand what he was trying to say through this gesture?
Out of the corner of his eye, Eddie saw Buck wet his lips with his tongue. The movement drew Eddie's eyes and suddenly they were looking at each other, connected by their hands and the electric charge in the air between them.
But there was doubt in Buck's eyes.
"I need to know what this means," Buck said quietly.
His heart was in his throat, but Eddie knew he needed to talk. So he stared at Buck's shirt, because that was easier, and squeezed his hand gently as he gathered the courage.
"Last night, when you told me... that you're in love with me," he began, boosted by the encouraging squeeze of Buck's hand in return. "I never expected it. It came out of nowhere and I... I didn't know what to say. And then you said you weren't asking for anything, and I didn't know how I was supposed to forget about it and move on."
He flicked his gaze up to Buck's eyes, noting the intense way the man was watching him and giving his full attention. Looking back down at Buck's shirt, Eddie continued.
"I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't stop thinking about what you said, and I... I had no idea how I felt. I just knew that every time I thought about things going back to the way they were, I felt sick. And I was mad at how calm you were about everything. It wasn't until I saw you today that I realised... Because I've never been interested in another man before, so I'd never even thought about it, but... I saw you today and I just..."
Eddie trailed off, unsure how to put his frantic thoughts into words. Was any of this even intelligible?
"Are you asking me to move in with you?" Buck asked quietly, one corner of his mouth curving up.
"Yes," Eddie said, because that at least was easy to say. "Please."
Buck's smile turned into a wide grin and he stepped closer to Eddie, shifting their hands so that he could lace their fingers together. His other hand came up to rest on Eddie's hip and the touch sent shivers darting across Eddie's skin.
"This is what you want?" Buck whispered.
Eddie met Buck's eyes and gave a small nod. He opened his mouth to speak, struggling to make his lips form the words he wanted – needed – to say. Buck watched him patiently, his expression so soft as he allowed Eddie the time he needed to get the words out.
"I'm in love with you, too," he managed at last, and suddenly Buck was pushing him back against the wall and covering his mouth with his own.
Eddie gasped, gripping Buck and opening his mouth to receive him. He felt flush with adrenaline, his anxiety slipping away as he realised the talking was over – he'd made it through and now he could just focus on his actions instead, which was always so much easier to do.
Kissing Buck quenched a thirst deep inside him, while simultaneously unleashing a deluge of immeasurable desire. He couldn't understand how it had taken him so long to figure out he was in love with Buck, since he'd had this inside him the whole time.
They kissed feverishly, hands roaming and touching and pulling, and they stumbled a few times as their weight swung back and forth with their passion. Eddie could taste Buck, could taste Buck's arousal and love and his permanence.
Buck wasn't going anywhere.
Buck wasn't going anywhere.
The thought hit him, and their kiss began to slow. No longer panicked, worried that he was somehow running out of time, Eddie relaxed against Buck and allowed the larger man to push him towards the bed. His legs hit the mattress and he went down, dragging Buck down on top of him and capturing his mouth again when they were briefly separated due to the movement.
"Eddie," Buck murmured against his lips. "Eddie, I love you."
Eddie swallowed the words, his hands tugging at Buck's tight shirt to pull it off. Their kiss halted again as Buck sat up, lifting his arms so the shirt could slide off and then he was sitting there bare chested.
The smile on Buck's face was so soft, so tender, Eddie had to pause for a moment just to breathe and take it in. He slid a hand across Buck's chest, feeling the firm muscles beneath the skin, and bit his lip against a moan that slipped out of his mouth.
Buck ran his fingers across Eddie's bottom lip, freeing it from his teeth, and then leant down to press the softest kiss Eddie had ever had against his mouth.
As Buck sat back up, Eddie smiled up at him and trailed his fingers down his chest, lower and lower until they were teasing the waistband of his trousers.
"Buck," Eddie purred. "Lock the door."